Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 3.12 & 3.13 – New York City Serenade & Witch Hunt

Here’s what I can say about Once Upon a Time‘s spring return. I know exactly why I watch this show, and so long as Lana Parrilla keeps having that ultra-shiny Regina hair, and Emma and Regina have their moments, I will continue to watch it.

That said, I waited until Thursday of last week to watch the show’s return, and still felt like I watched it too soon. The only satisfaction I got at all out of New York City Serenade is knowing how many of those “million moms” tuning in – the ones who think the mere notion of Emma & Regina is “gross” and that they are obviously “two women who hate each other,” even after two and a half seasons that prove them wrong – were thinking, “Yeah, but he’s a sexy monkey,” regarding Emma’s newest loverboy primate and, “They have sooooooo much chemistry,” two seconds after Regina and Robin Hood met for the first time.

Cause you know… whatever.

Also, on a list of things not to do, drinking a strange substance right in front of a police station while standing with a man just sprung from the clink, probably not the best idea.

And, really? Human lie detector Emma Swan can’t tell when a flying monkey is trying to lock her up in matrimony just to keep her captive in New York?

So, onto Witch Hunt, which was far more watchable than New York City Serenade for two very important reasons. One, Emma and Regina interactivities, and, two, Regina’s hair being all down around her shoulders and Regina-ey.

It all starts with a crash as Regina sees Henry back in Storybrooke and gets slippy fingers on her mug. As Regina stands staring in shock and pain at her beloved little prince, Emma is up in a flash of apology and lesbionic yearning as she goes to Regina and tells her they need to talk.

Then, there’s that moment where Regina says, “He looked right through me,” in a pained voice. You know, in that very open, vulnerable way she has with everyone. And there’s the instantaneous teaming up, as Regina is prone to do, a show for the rabble, and a chemistry lesson in the mayor’s office.

For those who might have missed it, here are your crib notes.

Eager student Emma says, “What is chemistry like?”

Regina says, “Thank you.”

“What are you talking about?” Emma responds. “I seriously need to pass Chemistry 101.”

“I am giving you what you need,” Regina explains. “You see, I am thanking you for believing in me (again) when no one else did. I know that wasn’t easy for you.”

And, smile coming to Emma’s face, she starts to make the connection. “Sure it was,” she says. “Now, let’s go back and forth for some time about the deep understanding I have of your inner workings and how I know when you are inert and when you are about to combust, then we’ll smile at each other in a totally unintentional way.”

“Well, Dear,” Regina says. “It seems to me you have a perfect understanding of chemistry.”

“So, I pass?” Emma smirks.

“Oh, you more than pass,” Regina’s doting smile lingers on Emma. “You, Emma, are my star pupil.”

And scene.

Next up, it’s into Emma’s little yellow bug for some serious bondage bonding time, where Emma and Regina review the in-depth points of chemistry by Regina asking for details about Emma’s work and Emma trying to convince Regina to meet their son.

Which she does.

Because that’s just the kind of lesbian co-mommies they are.