10 Things I Learned (Verified) During the 2014 Academy Awards

I know, I know, award shows aren’t exactly the place to glean essential life lessons, but these aren’t exactly essential life lessons. They’re more like casual observations that have an element of something resembling something worth knowing.

So, here they are. The ten things I learned from this years Oscars, in order of increasing importance, and starting with the one that has already become a staple of popular culture. 

10 – Names one doesn’t know can be difficult. Learn them in advance. Memorize them. Say them out loud and often. Rubberband snap yourself if need be. Know the fucking name, Travolta.

On a side note: Idina recovered like a boss.

9 – Bill Murray has his moments. Even if he has been the most vocal holdout for Ghostbusters 3. And has a reputation as a prick. And even if I sort of believe the story I once read that he stole some dude’s pizza on a street in New York and ran off with it, shouting “No one will believe you!”

8 – Ellen makes such a great host because she humanizes people that seem otherwise untouchable. Some antics go on a wee bit long, but they get the job done.

And while her feel-good moments may not be a song and dance, they are certainly better than watching an unapologetically sexist opening number intended to remind every woman in the room they have one purpose.

7 – Bette Midler has officially stopped reaching for those high notes. But she is still Bette Midler.

6 – Hollywood will never grasp that a standard mic cannot withstand a Broadway voice at full throttle without some tweaking or distortion.

5 – Pharrell is really determined to make that look happen.

4 – Every time I see Christian Bale in the audience of an award show, I think “Is Russell Crowe really the biggest asshole in Hollywood?”

3 – Some actors know how to deal with a slow-running teleprompter. Some actors think a great movie with a great score will blow…

…

…

…your mind.

2 – Jared is not the most attractive Leto. He is not the least attractive Leto. He is not the middle Leto. All Letos are equally attractive. Ridiculously attractive.

1 – There is not a single part of me that can see a single part of Goldie Hawn and not want to watch Overboard.