7 Things I’m Absolutely Convinced Would Happen in a Battle of Pirates vs. Ninjas
(yeah, last week)
Age-old question. (Not really.) Answered. (Kinda.)
7 – Ninjas would attack pirates. Not because pirates wouldn’t be able to see ninjas to attack (Come on, not every ninja can be THAT fast. At least one had to get picked last in gym.), but because attacking is really a ninja thing. Pillaging and drinking are more pirate pastimes.
6 – Pirates would blame the strange early occurrences that come with the surprise attack on sea winds if sober, or sea spirits if rummed-up.
5 – Ninjas would quick attack, but pirates would quick fight dirty. At least one ninja would limp away with a bite to the calf, and one would definitely be on the receiving end of a classic Three Stooges-style eye-gouge. With those masks, even I wouldn’t be able to resist it.
4 – A pirate would die first, maybe even two, during the surprise attack. The next death would be the novice ninja who forgot to replace his or her wood kata practice sword with his or her ninjat?. Newbie mistake. (Cause ninjas so totally practice swordplay with little wood sticks like us laymen and women.)
3 – A pirate would shout “Where argggh you?”
2 – Upon relieving some pirate of his or her head, a ninja with a wicked sense of humor would sing-song “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.” (In a masked stage whisper, of course.)
1 – There would be blood, there would one-sided verbal taunting, but there would be no victor. Because ninjas and pirates are both awesome, harmonious even in their badassery. If only we lesser mortals would stop pitting them against each other, they would realize this and live in peace.
Until the pirates steal the ninjas’ swords in the night and make them walk the plank, and the ninjas regurgitate the ninja stars they store in their throats and spit them into the ship hull on their way into the sea. At which point, the ship sinks, the pirates drown, and the ninjas totally untie themselves and swim three-hundred miles to shore.
Hell, I see no way around it.
Ninjas win.