7 Things: Reasons Cold Sucks

I know. It’s just barely gotten into the cold season, and it hasn’t even been that cold yet. I think the minimum temperature I’ve stepped outside into so far this coldish season is like 40 degrees, and I’ll have months and months to complain. But why not get an early start, I say? Because some things about the cold suck ass, like this stuff.

7 – Having to deal with a coat. Wearing a coat is enough of a pain, with the bulkiness and such, but then comes the worst of it, having to dealing with said coat once you get somewhere. Especially concerts and the theater, where you have two choices – floor or lap – and yet someone around you inevitably thinks they have two additional choices – the back of their seat/on your knees or the arm of their seat/on your lap.

6 – Cold car seats. I just don’t get why people want leather car seats. Fabric doesn’t get as cold or as hot. And you don’t stick to it, even when your shirt rides up.

5 – Foggy glasses. Cold outside to warm inside and you can’t see for 45 seconds. You just have to hope that isn’t the moment a beam snaps loose in the ceiling.

“What’s that sound?!?”

Thunk.

4 – Dead everythings. After its most dazzling display of the year, nature craps out and there’s nothin’ but brown uglies all around.

3 – Water wasting. Because it takes an hour of running for the water to get warm enough not to produce hypothermia.

2 – Frozen grabbers. That may split open painfully if not well-tended.

1 – Heated-house nose & lips. That congested head, scratchy throat, no fresh air feeling that only comes from breathing in fake heat all night.

And – cause there’s gotta be a flip-side – Reasons Cold Rules

7 – Hats. Some cold-weather hats are the best. And cozy jammies.

6 – Fires. Or patio heaters. Or, if you’re in Times Square, that warming light awning at McDonald’s on 42nd Street. Entering air conditioning after extreme heat is nice, for sure, but it just never seems to feel as satisfying as a good fire or warming light after extreme cold.

5 – Coffee is even awesomer. So is oatmeal. And soup.

4 – Public spaces of reasonable temperatures. Summer in public interiors always feel so damn arctic.

3 – Santa’s outfit. If the holidays were warm, he would wear a red speedo and that wouldn’t be pleasant for anyone.

2 – Designs in ice. Like icicles and ice-encrusted trees and ice splotches on windows. Nature’s ice sculpting, if you will.

1 – Not shaving is way practical. Hair is warm. Bare is cold. All your bits can go to grooming hell and only those who already love you will ever have to know.