7 Things (in 5 Sets): Movies I Love (With One I Hate)

Time I quit playin’ like I’m going to do five full-length posts to get caught up, and just get caught up.

So, here are  some movies I love, split into categories. These are not necessarily my favorite movies from these categories. They are simply movies I love within these categories. Well, all except the one that I hate.

7 Comedies From the 80s

There’s a rule to this category. I have to love the movie for its comedy first. Movies like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Goonies, for instance, I enjoy more for the dramatic/cheesy parts than for the comedy, so they are forbidden.

7 – National Lampoon’s Vacation (Kinda obvious, I know, but it’s a classic for a reason.)

Funniest line: (It’s pretty impossible to pick, but maybe…)

CLARK
…I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!

RUSS
Dad, you want an aspirin?

CLARK
Don’t touch!

6 –The Toy

Funniest line:

U.S.
Eric bought a black man.

FANCY
I wasn’t aware that we sold them.

5 – 9 to 5

Funniest Line:

HART
I think there was something in that coffee.

VIOLET
I think you’re right.

HART
I think it was poison.

VIOLET
Right again.

HART
I think you did it.

VIOLET
Ha ha ha ha ha.

HART
Why?

VIOLET
Why do you think?

HART
Because I’m a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot?

VIOLET
Bingo.

4 – Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Funniest Line (isn’t a line):

It’s watching Steve Martin pretend to walk for the first time after fake paralysis.

3 – Better Off Dead

Funniest Line:

TREE TRIMMER
Now that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.

2 – Trading Places

Funniest Line (also not a line):

The entire sequence in the train car.

1 – Clue

Funniest line (Along with the greatest group fall ever put to film, pretty much every line in the movie, but for the sake of this post, I’ll limit to two):

MRS. WHITE
He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I’m afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died.

– AND –

CHIEF
Repent. The kingdom of heaven is at hand.

MISS SCARLETT
You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.

 

7 Comedies From the 90s

Again, movies that I like more for the sappy bits are eliminated. This means no A League of Their Own, no Straight Talk, no Groundhog Day.

7 – Dutch

Funniest line:

DUTCH
What do you like to do for fun?

(Doyle struggles to get free from restraints and speak around gag.)

DUTCH
You like to wiggle and grunt. Me too.

6 – Class Act

Funniest line:

DUNCAN
Are you deaf?

BLADE
Man, I’m the defest brotha on this block.

DUNCAN
You’re deaf?

BLADE
That’s right.

DUNCAN
(whispers aside)
I think Blade Brown is the biggest asshole on the planet.
(Blade smacks him)
Hey, you’re not deaf!

5 – Wayne’s World

This movie is such a comedy classic. So damn funny.

Funniest Line:

WAYNE
Shitty Beetles? Are they any good?

TINY
They suck.

WAYNE
Then it’s not just a clever name.

4 – Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead

Funniest Line:

SWELL
I never asked you to whisk the couch.

KENNY
Well… it needed it.

3 – South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Funniest Line:

GENERAL
You will be the all important first defense wave, which we will call Operation Human Shield.

CHEF
Hey, wait a minute…

GENERAL
…Operation Human Shield will suffer heavy losses… Battalion 14… you are Operation Get Behind the Darkies… Any questions?

CHEF
Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

GENERAL
I don’t listen to hip-hop.

2 – My Cousin Vinnie

Funniest line:

MONA LISA VITO
Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water… BAM! A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

1 – Office Space

Funniest line:

Not the funniest delivery, which goes to “I love kung fu” and “I’ll tell you what I’d do, man… two chicks at the same time, man.” But the funniest line as far as writing, which I think anyone who has ever worked an office job can agree.

BOB
Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.

PETER
I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.

 

7 Sports Movies

Though I don’t care to watch real sports, I dig a sports movie. Odd, ain’t it?

7 – The Cutting Edge

What Makes It Awesome:

The Pamchenko Twist, flawlessly executed in slow-motion, of course.

6 – The Mighty Ducks

What Makes It Awesome:

Charlie’s winning shot.

5 – Rudy

What Makes It Awesome:

Besides the fact that I can’t watch the damn ending without real tears? There are two things –

The parade of football players through the coaches office who want to give up their spot on the team so that Rudy can dress for one game.

AND

FORTUNE
You’re 5 foot nothin’, 100 and nothin’, and you have barely a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football players in the land for 2 years. And you’re gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don’t have to prove nothin’ to nobody but yourself. And after what you’ve gone through, if you haven’t done that by now, it ain’t gonna never happen.

4 – Little Giants

What Makes It Awesome:

Everything. There’s a ragtag, underdog team, sweet, lovable kids, and some truly touching moments. Mostly, though, it’s about Icebox, aka Becky O’Shea, who decides she doesn’t want to be a tomboy anymore and then decides she needs to go kick some ass when her team (and the boy she’s crushing on) needs rescuing.

3 – Hoosiers

What Makes It Awesome:

The moment when the small town boys walk into the huge gym, and before the fear can properly settle in, Coach Gene Hackman… er, Coach Dale… makes a player measure the distance of the rim from the floor to prove to them the measurements are the same as in their small gym back home.

Plus, Dennis Hopper playing against his usual typecasting in a brilliant performance.

2 – The Replacements

What Makes It Awesome:

This time, it’s not Coach Gene Hackman… er, Coach McGinty. It’s the interesting character choices, the scene where the tough guys admit all their fears, and this –

FALCO
I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory… lasts forever.

1 – A League of Their Own

What Makes It Awesome:

The cast and the subtle moments. And all sorts of lines, both the funny and the ones like this –

JIMMY DUGAN
It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.

 

7 Scary Movies

I think I scare pretty easily. Put me in a dark room alone and I can freak myself into a racing heart in about 3 seconds. Yet, for some reason, I don’t find a lot of movies that are supposed to be scary all that scary. I’ll jump if something jumps out at me, but unless I get to that place of “Oh God, what’s gonna happen” I feel disappointed. When it comes to true fear, suspense is where it’s at.

7 – Halloween 2 (1981)

Having said all that, here’s a movie that is far from brilliant and yet scares the hell out of me. It even lacks suspense, unless you count Michael Myers ridiculously slow stride as suspenseful. I think it’s more a lingering childhood phobia thing, because, although this movie is not what one would call a brilliant sequel, it does have one brilliant scene.

Scariest Moment:

A still shot on a corner mirror. We see Laurie fleeing (slowly due to injury) down the hospital hallway as Michael Myers casually strolls down the adjacent hall.

It sounds blah, but I have thought about it every time I have walked in a hospital hallway since.

6 – Poltergeist

Again, it’s kind of a given, but it deserves its spot.

Scariest Moment:

The clown. The fucking clown.

But, I will say, despite the fact that it is not nearly as good of a movie (as most sequels aren’t), I find Poltergeist III actually delivers the most heart-stopping scares.

5 – Secret Window

This movie is nothing but suspense.

Scariest Moment:

Rainey sees the edge of John Shooter’s outline in the bathroom mirror. And just keeps watching it for a few seconds that seems like hours.

4 – The Others

As is this one.

Scariest Moment:

Grace walks alone through the room of sheet-covered objects, hunting a ghost.

3 – The Orphanage

This one is not just suspense on top of suspense, it’s one of the most brilliant scary movies I’ve ever seen. Viewers should be forewarned, though. It’s billed mainly as a horror movie, but there’s an emotionally-disturbing ending that sticks with you for a while. Or maybe forever. I can’t be sure yet.

Scariest Moment:

There is a costuming selection that you won’t be able to blink from your eyes when you try to fall asleep the night you watch it, but as far as suspense –

The scene where they play a Spanish version of Red Light, Green Light had me clenching my entire body up for the duration.

2 – Creepshow 2 – “The Raft”

I watched this as a kid and haven’t been able to shake the final moments of it for two decades.

Scariest Moment:

The serene moment toward the end. You know it can’t last, and yet you don’t see THAT coming either.

1 – Trick ‘r Treat

A movie that really hasn’t gotten the props it deserves. It is a non-stop ride that jumps between suspense, heart-stopping scares, and downright creepiness. In an odd twist, the creepy costume choice in The Orphanage, which came out the same year, is copied almost exactly in Trick ‘r Treat. So, there’s that.

Scariest Moment:

There are so many good scares in this movie, but the kids finding out that the legend of the rock quarry isn’t just a legend sure gets your blood pumping.

And last, but far from the most normal –

7 Totally WTF Movies

These are not bad movies. Nor are they intentionally disturbing movies. (The Human Centipede, I’m talking to you. And, no, I will never watch you on purpose.) These are decent to brilliant movies that are just totally fuckin’ whack.

7 – Four Rooms (The One I Hate)

I watched this with a friend. He loved this movie. I can’t say why. It’s bizarre, certainly, but it mostly just sucks.

Most WTF Moment:

I honestly don’t remember. I think I blocked it out.

6 – Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

It may not be the best musical ever put to film, but this version of the stage musical gets a lot right. And, for me, “Skid Row (Downtown)” and “Suddenly, Seymour” are utterly brilliant Broadway tunes.

Most WTF Moment:

Arthur Denton getting dental work.

5 – All That Jazz

What else could we expect from Bob Fosse’s brilliantly self-indulgent homage to himself?

Most WTF Moment:

The big number at the end. It’s a dazzling Broadway spectacle that, on film, looks mostly like tripping on LSD. Of course, that was probably the intention.

4 – The Triplets of Belleville

Not only does it sport what is perhaps the catchiest tune in a movie in the past 20 years, The Triplets of Belleville is  filled with some truly bizarre scenes.

Most WTF Moment:

Souza massages her grandson with a variety of household items. It’s only somewhat as creepy as it sounds.

3 – Wicker Man (1973)

Delicious story, gloriously fucked on film. I’m told the Nicolas Cage remake is nowhere near as interesting, but I can’t verify.

Most WTF Moment:

The first randomly-break-into-song moment about the innkeeper’s slutty daughter. It gets weirder (and more naked) from there, but, after that, you know to expect it.

2 – Jacob’s Ladder

As far as all-out mind-fucks go, I’m not sure a movie has ever done it better. Because the crazy starts early on and carries through to the bitter(sweet) end.

Most WTF Moment:

Jacob sees Jezzie getting freaky with a demon on the dance floor.

1 – Hard Luck

My cousin summed the movie up best when he said, “This movie’s weirder than Pulp Fiction.” Indeed.

Most WTF Moment:

Well, let’s see. It’s got Cybill Shepherd not just playing at crazy, but doing her absolute best to overwrite all of our happy memories of her with the image of a twisted, unapologetic psycho mommy figure. It’s got her Asian accomplice, who wears a Mexican wrestling mask. It’s got some gut-churning images of torture devices and torture techniques. It’s got a whole lot of ‘what the fuck?’ to go around.

Somehow, amazingly enough though, it is the simple scene of the police captain meeting with his detective to discuss the investigation that left me scratching my head and wondering, “Why is he riding that bike?”