Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 2.9 – Queen of Hearts

I was planning to let this year expire before making the declaration that my idea of daily posts was a tragically failed experiment. At this point, though, I think it’s best to go ahead and call it. Kind of like forfeiting in the seventh when you’re down by ten runs. Which, apparently, can’t actually happen. My research shows that nine runs is the forfeit rule in major league baseball, which seems low to me. I mean, a grand slam in the bottom of the seventh and you’re right back in that thing. But, whatever. I don’t make the rules.

Plus, forfeiting now means I don’t have to catch up.

In the past three weeks, some things did happened, though, starting with –

Once Upon a Time – Episode 2.9 “Queen of Hearts”

(as you might expect, SPOILERS WITHIN)

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First of all, thank God my girls are back in the same world. I could hardly stand it for them.

Every time Emma got broody in Fairytale Land and every time Regina got emotional in Storybrooke, it was pining. Plain and simple. Even a couple episodes back when Emma was all like “Regina” suddenly, under the guise that she’d instantly decided  Regina was to blame for everything… again… which she kind of is, but, let’s face it, Emma, we all give her a pass because she’s as broken as she is sexy… it came out of nowhere, indicating that Emma thinks about Regina constantly, and she was probably imagining Regina in a bubble bath and was suddenly like “Damn it. That sexy siren is to blame for the fact that I have been wearing the same clothes for weeks and I have to watch these two other chics putting the moves on each other instead of making moves of my own.

“Foiled. FOILED!!!”

Anyway, the moment came in the final act, of course. Emma returns to Storybrooke, rescued (kinda, sorta) by Regina. Though she wouldn’t have needed rescuing if Regina didn’t set up a ‘save-Henry, kill-them-all’ trap in the first place. At least she came through in the end, absorbing a butt-load of magic that will probably make her shimmer in sunlight or something.

So, Emma’s all “Henry” and hugging all over him, but then Henry is like “She saved you,” and Emma looks up at Regina with a exhalation of “Thank you” and a lot of staring, while hoping Regina can’t read the fact that she was all “Regina’s to blame” just episodes ago. Then, while everyone else rushes back to the “good’ guys, Emma’s like, “Y’all go ahead. I’m just gonna hang out here, because the evil queen looks really sexy leaning against that tree, and I’ve been picking up mackin’ tips from Mulan.” And, then, she’s like, “Hey, Baby, let me reach inside your chest and give your heart a squeeze.”

Not really.

Actually, she’s more like “I got some common ground for you. We both think your mom is a maniacal twat.” To which Regina is all like, “Shorty, you don’t even know.”

Then, in all seriousness now, Regina says “Welcome back,” and Emma’s all “thanks” again, while cuddling the hell out of Henry while physically incapable of pulling her eyes from Regina’s.

Scene change, and Henry passes Emma’s vicarious hug onto Regina, and the double-love hits Regina with a slap of happy. Then, everybody turns back into asses, and our most tortured heroine is left to think, “But… but… I thought we’d gotten to the smoochy place. I felt your need for deep, hungry kisses in Henry’s hug-o-gram.” And Emma’s like, “Later, Baby. I’ve been surviving on wood lice for the past few weeks. This lady needs sustenance in order to take you where you’re gonna go.”

The over-the-shoulder wink was edited out. I’m almost certain of it.

At that point, of course, Gold sticks his creep-face in where it doesn’t belong and gets Regina hurt and doubtful again, and, no matter how cool I think he is, I really want to punch him in the nutsack with my bare fist.