PRESS RELEASE

I’m terribly sorry that you are facing a 24 million bride shortage by 2020. I’m sorry that your one-child law backfired. I’m sorry that parents would rather have male children and, therefore, negate any attempts at baby-making that produce shorties with vaginas. I’m sorry that your young men are going to be forced to marry…

We are no longer in California. Nor have we arrived at our new home. We are in moving limbo. As you crave my pain, this is a story I can’t wait to share with you. This is a story so terrifying, you will hide behind your hands and bite your nails down to the nubs….

Those of you who are my co-Twitterers might recall from a few weeks ago that the IRS thinks I owe them a substantial chunk of change. One reason for this is a failure to do some basic research. The other reason is because they are confused by the gay. Here’s how I told them that…

You know those bags of vegetables that you can buy in the freezer section at the store? The kind that you can cook right in the bag that they come in? Now, that’s convenience. So, I just thought I’d make myself some green beans. That’s all. I had no intention beyond consumption of the healthy,…

I swear to you, and to any God that you hold as truth, that I did not do this on purpose. I even left the toolbars at the top of the cropped photo to prove that it was just a glorious surprise. A couple of days ago, I was going through some pictures and I…