7 Things: 7 Signs That I’m Not Dead

I took a gander at my posts and realized, much to my cringing dismay, that I haven’t posted a 7 Things entry since May 11th. Yes, I have been moving and, yes, I have been working, and, yes, I have plenty of both of those things left to do – unpacking and proper settling in takes the likes of me for-fucking-ever. After repeatedly rewriting “blog posts” on my daily to-Do list (which I honestly do keep), though, I decided – just now, at this instant – that I am like a kid who fell off my bike and then just stood there looking at it for a month and a half, wondering when it was going to pull me back on.

Since it hasn’t, and I am getting nowhere fast, it is in this moment when I heave myself back up onto that metaphorical, butt-hugging bicycle seat, and start peddling. Seeing as I am now seven weeks behind, I’d better pedal like I am trying to power a lightbulb (*amusement park memory metaphor) and get on with this thing. So, let’s get to it.

Here are seven signs that I am not dead –

7 – Several things have been crossed off today’s To-Do list. Though I wish someone else would do some of them – like a housekeeper or a butler or a personal assistant – I know that shit ain’t happenin.

6 – Upon a casual wearing of my sandals this past week, I discovered that the poison ivy oil they picked up last summer is, in fact, still quite effective. As far as I know, dead people don’t get poison ivy. For the third or fourth time. From the same pair of shoes. Though a dead person may very well have wised up and thrown those sandals out before I did.

5 – I consume more coffee than any dead person, and, in the past week, more German chocolate cake as well. And probably more bananas. And possibly more tuna. It’s conceivable that Dead-Me will consume these things, which would be fine enough by me, though I do prefer to think that I will drink nectar sucked from just above the clavicle of a hot and powerful goddess in my afterlife.

4 – A curtain rod went up in this household this week. It’s hanging straight. If I were dead and the hanging of that rod fell to the other member of this household, it would have a 5 to 10-percent slope and she would stand looking at it, repeating “It’s even” over and over as if the saying of it made it come true.

3 – My hands are cold, which could mean dead, but my butt is warm. Except when it gets cold. At which point I complain.

I complain, therefore I am.

2 – I’m stil around to cry every time I see one of these goddam Procter & Gamble commercials –

1 – I still have to shower. Unfortunately.


*Before Planet Snoopy took over the kiddie park at Cedar Point, there was Berenstain Bear Country. And I loved me a Berenstain Bear. Within Berenstain Bear Country, there was a little bike with a little light bulb in a little tree, and I would sit my little self on that little bike and peddle my little knees sore to light that bulb up. For some reason, it made me happy at the time.

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