7 Things: Things I’ll Probably Never Do

Do you ever just stop and think about your life? Not in terms of “What will my life bring?” but of “What won’t my life bring?” I’m not talking like a morose, whiny-ass examination of future lack of fulfillment. I’m talking those legitimate things that you’re kind of curious about, but that you simply don’t think will ever actually come to pass.

Every once in a while something will occur to me, and I’ll think, “Hm, might be interesting, but I’ll probably never do it. Not if I live for only another fifteen years. Not if I live for another seventy years.

These are seven of those things:

7 – I’ll probably never eat one of those live squids in Japan. I don’t know if I really want to, but even if I one day have that moment where I’m all like “I am at the top of the food chain! I will swallow you alive, squid!”, I can’t see ever actually doing it.

I would keep thinking about the woman whose tongue was injected with squid sperm as she was eating one, and it would pretty much quash the notion.

6 – I won’t ever be on Ninja Warrior. I spent most of my youth, when I might have had the stamina for that shit, out of shape, and I never see being in the kind of shape that allows me to balance on a foam wall that has a tendency to tilt. It would be badass, though.

5 – I’ll never be on a game show. I know someone who won a car on one once, though. Spanish-language. So I guess technically she won un coche.

4 – It’s unlikely I’ll ever go into politics. There are times when I really think about building a resume in that regard. It would be nice to be part of the brainstorming team who works to solve this great mess, but I’m no politician.

3 – I’ll never make a pair of custom pirate boots. I know a custom pair would make me wicked awesome, but it just seems like so much work. And with my sewing skills, I suspect they would fall apart the first time I wore them.

2 – I  won’t ever live in a commune. I like the idea of it, but I’d want to handpick my fellow communists, and I’m not sure it works that way.

I bet communist isn’t the right word here, is it?

1 – I’ll never participate in an orgy.

I kinda-sorta think sex should be organic, not pre-planned, so I can’t ever imagine the scenario in which that mythical orgy might come to pass. I could see an impromptu poetry slam presenting itself in my life, but not untamed group sex.

Of course, I never thought I would work with a woman who listened to cassette tapes of people moaning while she did data entry either, so life does surprise you.

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