(a completely biased essay on femslashy goodness by Sensei Riley LaShea)
Once upon a time, the cheese stood alone. And the cheese was Xena.
In the time before Xena, there existed in the universe relatively dull substances that occasionally joined together in a union somewhat resembling femslash, but the emergence of girl/girl pairings like fire ants across the barren landscape of fan fiction was due in large part to the simultaneous popularity of Xena and the growth of the internet.
Right warrior princess.
The cheese proved that there could, in fact, be strong lesbian underpinnings in a major character on prime time television in puritan America, so long as it wasn’t on a major network.
Since Xena was the beginning, the figurative starting pistol to the femslash dash, Xena and her slashtastic co-goddess Gabrielle shall reign supreme as the undisputed iconic femslash pairing. This I consider an honorary award for longevity and mold-breaking. Not due in any part to them being the best. To be quite honest, I’m no fan of Xena.
Ow. Damn it! Stop throwing sticks!
With that in mind, one could say that any other favorite femslash pairing is simply a matter of personal preference, but what is fan fic if not subjective? If we were objective about it, we would gulp down what popular culture force feeds us. Nonsense! I would choke on the grainy blandness of it.
So now, in the way of the ninja, I shall attempt to prove why Lindsay and Cindy of the short-lived and lesbalicious Women’s Murder Club are THE femslash yardstick.
Virtues extolled in order of increasing importance.
~ The First Foot – The Shaggability Scale
It shouldn’t matter, but it does. Let’s acknowledge and move on.
I don’t have to find both halves of a femslash coupling mucho hot to enjoy them together, but it does help. And those pairings are few and far between. In my favorite couples (the only ones I have or do go out of my way to read) I find both halves of the whole exceptionally hot. Besides Lindsay and Cindy, those couples are –
Barbara/Helena (Birds of Prey)
– and to a lesser extent –
Jordan/Lu (Crossing Jordan) – with a little more time together, they could have reached the peak, as it was, they are kind of relegated to the femslash sidelines.
Then, there was Women’s Murder Club and that first meeting between Lindsay and Cindy, and it sorta felt like this –
In this corner, we have ‘Sex on Legs’, thee of the husky voice and the wink.
And in this corner, we have ‘Innocent Until Proven Seductive’, thee of the shy smile and the oft-appearing tongue.
To whom do we give the advantage?
Possessing diverse charms and bedroom eyes that they both know how to use very well… mostly on each other… it seems a pretty even contest.
So mix up the pudding and let the match begin.
Both Angie Harmon and Aubrey Dollar – AND – Lindsay Boxer and Cindy Thomas score exceedingly high on the shaggability scale. If participating in a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven with them seems like a rather blissful way to spend an evening, why wouldn’t we want to watch them experience Seven Minutes in Heaven together?
~ The Second Foot – The Super Sexy Paradox
Logically, they shouldn’t work. But in that paradoxical way of ultimate romance, they just do.
Lindsay and Cindy have the rare dynamic where they are drawn to each other by completely contrasting forces. Somehow they manage to be both “like attracts like” & “opposites attract” at the same time. Considering my favorite pairings, it’s clear that this particular combination really works for me. Lindsay and Cindy trump the others quite spectacularly though.
Cindy is the light to Lindsay’s darkness, the hopeful optimism to Lindsay’s cynicism. She has an eagerness to learn where Lindsay may very well think that she possesses too much wisdom, at least when it comes to human nature. Then, in one area, they converge hard. They share a dedication to case-solving and truth-seeking that goes beyond that of all others. They get each other.
As Paris Hilton so unsuccessfully attempted to trademark – “that’s hot”.
~ The Third Foot – Chemistry
I’m going to tell you a story that is highly likely to get me in trouble, but it illustrates this point so well, I must risk it.
I have a dear, sweet, beautiful friend who has, in the past, occasionally, been a bit blind to subtext when I have tried to point it out. This is hardly her fault. She was born with hetero-vision and like others with the condition, she must just suffer it. There is no cure.
Or is there?
When my Pammykins came to visit recently (God, she’s going to murder me), I put her through a rigorous crash course in WMC, which, of course, consists of fast-forwarding to all Lindsay/Cindy scenes, aka “the important stuff”.
The following were her reactions… (I am paraphrasing and she can feel free to correct me if I have gotten any facts wrong. My information comes from snippets of conversation and studying the reactions on her heavenly, flawless face. If you do decide to kill me, please make it painless.)
Episode One, Welcome to the Club… in which Cindy experiences love at first sight and immediately offers herself body, mind and soul for Lindsay’s wanton consumption.
The straight girl reaction: “What’s up with those two?”
Episode Two, Train in Vain… in which Cindy’s obsession turns to stalking, it works, and Lindsay realizes that whatever it is Cindy is offering, it’s probably pretty damn tasty.
The straight girl reaction: “Are they doing this on purpose?”
Episode Three, Blind Dates and Bleeding Hearts… in which Cindy demands affection and Lindsay wants to arrest Cindy for charming her pants off in only three episodes.
The straight girl reaction: I felt a veritable shift in the atmosphere, sensing that my friend was suddenly ready to join me in chucking ninja stars at any man who might come between these two destined souls. And we are talking about a hopeless devotee of hetero love here… an open-minded friend of the gays, but a devotee of hetero love none-the-less. (Yes you are! Don’t try to deny it. You would bathe in boy-girl romance if you could. And I love that about you.)
I like to think that I know my darling friend well enough to be fairly certain that in regards to my favorite pairings, she would have been pulling for a het couple instead (Helena/Reese on BoP, Jordan/Woody on CJ, and, if I were the bettin’ kind, I’d put my money on the fact that she would have been all about Sam/Harrison on Popular). I kind of think that, given the chance to fully integrate into the WMC realm though, she would have a hard time seeing past Lindsay and Cindy. I could be wrong. It’s happened before. This could also be skewed by the fact that this is one of those super-intense rivalries where she would never root for the other team in front of me for fear of getting one of those big foam fingers to the head. Oh yeah, for my femslash power couple, I’d do it.
So what makes all the difference? The undeniable, barefaced chemistry. It doesn’t simply simmer. It doesn’t merely marinate. It positively pops. And that very potent connection presents itself in two major ways. The first is the ease and delight with which they interact. They wear their mutual admiration like sexy lingerie. It’s impossible to pull your eyes away and it always draws a smile.
Then, there is the way that they look at each other. That I won’t even try to express. Words would fall miserably short. Let’s just say that it’s utterly scrumptious, it’s more affecting than most screen kisses, and if I tried to explain it, I would get all mushy and poetic to the point that I would totally embarrass myself. Yeah, it’s THAT good. Whatever it was that made them look at each other that way, I approve. Highly.
And now, if you have made it with me this far, we have reached the end of my summation.
In conclusion, I hate arguments that end “in conclusion”.
All counterarguments will be thoroughly read and whole-heartedly opposed.