Foolproof Interrogation Technique

Here’s what I’m thinking. Waterboarding is very bad. Simulating drowning IS torture, no matter what our backward government has to say about it.

So, then how are we supposed to get the terrorists to talk?

I’ll tell you how. Implement the Dolphin Plank Pose.

Here’s how it works.

A small wooden board covers the ground. On one end of this board, the forearms of the interrogatee are locked down to the ground so that said inerrogatee is resting on his/her forearms and elbows. The interrogatee’s feet are held at the other end of the board while the board is removed. Beneath the board is a pit filled with angry poisonous snakes. Once the board is removed, the interrogatee’s feet are released. This leaves the interrogatee in the Dolphin Plank Pose, on toes and forearms above a pit of snakes.

Only those in some seriously phenomenal shape will be able to hold this pose for long. For most people, they have less than two minutes before their legs start shaking and they can’t hold out. What happens then? They go knee first into the snake pit, that’s what. Not only that, but there arms are still locked in, which means the snakes have free access.

The beauty of this style of interrogation is that it’s entirely up to the interrogatee how it plays out. No one else even has to touch them. It’s all in his/her toes. Only the interrogatee knows how long it will be before the fall into the pit of doom, and only the interrogatee can stop it – by spilling everything… fast.

This would work, I’m telling you. I know it’s hard to understand from verbiage alone, so I have drawn the diagram below to illustrate.