This is catching up for the week of April 1-7. Next will be last week. And yes, I know I’m behind this week too. When am I not behind?

Anyway, seven lyrics I really like from seven random songs.

7

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby

- “I’m Not Ready to Make Nice” written by the Dixie Chicks with Dan Wilson

This lyric by itself is really powerful to me. In ten words, it accepts full responsibility for Natalie’s words, while holding to the truth that she didn’t do anything wrong. As this line begins, I get chills every time I listen to this song. Of course, the pacing of the lyrics and crescendo of violins helps.

6

If I could paint a picture of this melody

It would be a violin without its strings

- “Heavy on My Heart” written by Anastacia and Billy Mann

You never want to wish pain on another person, but damn if songwriters don’t produce their greatest songs after extreme heartache. And breast cancer certainly comes with heartache. I love these two lines so much. The imagery is incredibly beautiful and sad. The entire song just sits heavy, but somehow soars at the same time. As it should.

5

Tongue-tied like a schoolboy, I stammered out some words

It did not seem to matter much, ’cause I don’t think she heard

She just looked clear on through me to a place back in my head

It shamed me into silence, as quietly she said

“If you want me to come with you, then that’s all right with me

I know I’m going nowhere. Anywhere’s a better place to be.”

“A Better Place to Be” written by Harry Chapin

To like Harry Chapin, you must enjoy story songs. And I do. You must also be able to forgive a voice that doesn’t please the ears of everyone. Which I can. Especially when the lyrics are this good. Overall, story wise, this is my favorite Chapin song. The song says so much about what we want, what we end up getting, the compromises we make and the memories that haunt us – all in the simple story of a lonely watchman. The lines stick with you, and it’s very much a performance piece, which would suffer terribly without just the right highs and lows.

4

‘Cause I am strong and I can prove it

And I’ve got my dreams to see me through

It’s just a mountain, I can move it

With faith enough, there’s nothin’ I can’t do

“Light of a Clear Blue Morning” written by Dolly Parton

Picking a Dolly Parton lyric is like picking a berry. They all taste good. It just depends on what you’re in the mood for. With all of Dolly’s hits, though, and her extraordinary songwriting talents, this song always stands out for me. And this lyric in particular. It’s simple, but the strength in the performance gives it a lot of oomph. (I prefer the rerecording she did in the 90s for Straight Talk over the original.) On sluggish days when the world seems heavy and you barely feel like scuffing your feet across the floor, just pull out “It’s just a mountain, I can move it” and repeat it like a mantra over and over in your head. See if your steps don’t kick up a notch.

3

And out there are children still raised on old anger

To believe there’s a reason to fight

But a piece of land’s only a piece of land

And you will not come home tonight

“Stephen” written by David Ford

It’s nearly impossible for me to pick out a David Ford lyric as a standout. Even more so than with Dolly. Not because he has no show-stopping lyrics, but because his songs are so seasoned with them. I really think of him as a poet first, which is saying something, because he’s an amazing musician. This song, though, written about a constable named Stephen Carroll, who was killed in a town in Northern Ireland, all because old tensions remain and flare up every few years, crushed me the first time I heard him perform it live. This lyric – “A piece of land’s only a piece of land” – is such a simple notion that, if taken into the hearts of all men, could change the entire world.

2

How many people die or hurt in your name?

And does that make you proud? Or does that bring you shame?

“How Do You Do?” written by Shakira, Lauren Christy, Graham Edwards and Scott Spock

Plenty of songwriters have written about a god. Some have even sent song messages to a god. In this song, Shakira addresses God, in a multitude of religious forms – indicated by addresses in other languages – directly. And she doesn’t go easy. This song is possibly the bravest song I have ever heard, and I suspect all of the comments she received regarding it weren’t positive. Most of the lyrics ask the tough questions that religious people think are sinful to ask, and then Shakira commits the ultimate sin -

She tells all of those infallible gods “You’ve made mistakes.”

And religious folks the world over condemn her to hell.

1

Sometimes people leave you

Halfway through the wood

- “No One Is Alone”, from Into the Woods written by Stephen Sondheim

Broadway is a haven for great lyrics. There are so many from which to choose. This lyric from Wicked - ”Those who don’t try never look foolish” – always hits home with me. As do so many of the lyrics from Rent, Avenue Q and A Chorus Line. Of all the great Broadway lyrics, this one from Into the Woods will always be one of my favorites. As a lyric, it floats so well over the score. As a metaphor for death, it haunts.

XXX

And One to Bitch About -

I don’t wanna hurt him anymore

I don’t wanna take away his life

I don’t wanna be

(dramatic pause)

A murderer

“Unfaithful” written by Shaffer Smith, Tor Erik Hermansen and Mikkel S. Eriksen

I really think the dramatic pause in this song is due to the fact that Rihanna is ashamed to sing it. Because it’s fucking stupid. The entire song is ridiculous and contradictory. I mean, “he’s more than a man” and it’s “more than love,” but “to him [you] just can’t be true”? That’s absurd. He may be more than a man, but if you can’t keep your vajayjay under control, it’s clearly not more than love.

And the thing that I hate the most about this song? The fact that I fucking love it. Unlike the lyrics, the music is outstanding and I sing right along with it. Every dumb damn lyric. Until I get to the dramatic pause. Then, I just can’t do it. I shut my pie hole and leave what I don’t want to be to the imagination. Except for those times when I fill in the lyric with “I don’t wanna sing this stupid line.”

I feel kind of sorry for those people who refuse to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer based on its genre, premise or title alone. Or because it’s based on that terrible movie from the 90s – which really isn’t that terrible if you recognize that it’s supposed to be tongue-in-cheek. Or for any other “face value” reason. Not only are those people missing out on one of the most dynamic TV universes ever created, they’re missing out on some of the most well-written TV episodes of all time.

I started watching Buffy almost smack in the middle. Hush, just by chance, was the first episode I saw all the way through. And what a freakin’ episode to come in on. It was a blessing really to have come in halfway, because I freely admit that, had I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the pilot, the pilot would have likely been all that I ever watched. With few exceptions, season one of Buffy is really pretty terrible. I sat through it solely because I had already seen future episodes, so I held out faith there would be a few gems in the first season. There were. A few. Very, very few.

After season one, Buffy the Vampire Slayer became a different show. The kinks were straightened out and the creators truly embraced all that their fantasyland had to offer.

Counting down my favorite episodes from Buffy. The best writing. Some of the best moments. The best overall. Per me.

Of course, there will be a few spoilers.

7 – The Wish 3.9

When I first started watching – from the beginning of the series – Cordelia wasn’t one of my favorite Buffy characters. At the end of her Buffy run, Cordelia still wasn’t one of my favorite Buffy characters. She had a few moments – trying to hide the fact that her family was broke, trying to hide the fact that Xander could hurt her – but, by and large, she wasn’t all that memorable. She shined much brighter on Angel. Literally, for a while.

Cordelia’s antagonistic Buffy attitude does serve the Buffy-verse in this episode, though. When she wishes that Buffy had never come to Sunnydale, viewers get insight into what Sunnydale would be like without the vampire slayer, complete with vamped-out Willow and Xander.

Fun on the surface, with its Buffy-free Sunnydale and plenty of evil shenanigans, this episode is vital in showing just how much responsibility Buffy truly carries, and also foreshadows the first episodes of season six. Plus, it’s the first appearance of Anya, whose introduction to the series is a revelation.

6 – I Only Have Eyes for You 2.19

The Angel and Buffy ‘ship ended truly and fully on Angel, but before that, they really did go through the wringer on Buffy. After Angel’s I Will Remember You episode, this episode – with one incredibly well-acted scene in particular – was my favorite from the Buffy-Angel doomed romance category.

As far as villains go on Buffy, vampires, demons and humans with inclinations toward evil are the show’s bread and butter. Ghosts are more of a treat – the cookies of the Buffy-verse, if you will. This episode brings the sweetness on with an old-fashioned ghost story that carries out in an utterly brilliant manner. The build-up that leads to the finale grows more intense by the scene, and by the time Buffy and Angel – who isn’t himself at the time, but his evil alter ego Angelus – become possessed by the spirits of two ghostly lovers and meet face-to-face, you know that it’s going to be something. And it is.

That scene is perfection in every possible way. The writing, the acting, the switch-up of the characters. It couldn’t have been better.

And, as cheesy as it may be, what gives that scene the power to stay with you long after you’ve turned off the television is the fact that Angel’s reaction to what he just experienced shows that even the soulless monster that he is at that moment isn’t immune to Buffy’s love.

Hey… I said it was cheesy.

Now, before I launch into my top five Buffy episodes, I would like to point out the fact that my top five episodes come from only three seasons. For me, Buffy hit its stride when each of the main characters entered into their grown-up lives and relationships. I believe that the ensemble gelled the most from seasons four through six when Spike became a quasi-member of the Scooby Gang, Anya was with Xander, and Willow and Tara were together. Then, throughout the latter half of season six, Buffy sort of broke its stride again, the gel melted into a greasy spot, and the show sort of puttered to an end.

But that’s just one girl’s opinion.

Anyway, here we go -

5 - Tabula Rasa 6.8

When this episode comes by in the series, it is seriously needed. Talk about rock fuckin’ bottom. Despite the fact that season six of Buffy is a dark, dark stretch of television, I take no issue with the season. Yes, it was a little darker than seasons past, and, yes, there were some out-of-character moments (for Buffy, a couple went too far), but I dug the fact that the creators went there when they had to know that the viewers would be uncomfortable. I also sort of think that a hero’s life is bound to have times of utter darkness and ignoring that would have been a mistake.

No matter how many viewers hated season six.

It actually comes in as my third favorite season.

Anyway, coming right after the brilliant musical episode Once More, With Feeling*, Tabula Rasa has the entire Scooby Gang – which is in the midst of imploding – forgetting their identities. The assumptions they make about their identities put them in the most compromising positions, and lead to some exceptional, totally-out-of-character exchanges that we would never get to see any other way.

It’s just damn funny.

“Ready, Randy?”

“Ready, Joan.”

Also, for Willow and Tara fans, it’s a beautiful thing to see that different identities can’t erase their relationship. In fact, at the point in their relationship where Tabula Rasa takes place, different identities are their saving grace.

4 - The Gift 5.22

The end of what was, for me, Buffy’s finest season – A God as the Big Bad? And a sarcasm-dripping God with a fashion sense at that? Oh, hell yeah. – this episode was a truly great ending for a great show. On one network. Then, they moved to a new network, went dark and went off the air within two years. So, there you have it.

The Gift has Buffy going into the ultimate showdown with the God Glory. And it shows every member of the Scooby Gang at their absolute finest. Hopelessly romantic Spike giving his all for love. Self-sacrificing Anya. Self-sacrificing Buffy. A moment that reaffirms just how much power Willow and Tara have together. And then Xander gets to deliver my favorite line of this episode, as well as my favorite line of his from the entire series.

One of the best things about Xander is that, unlike the other Scoobies, he has no otherworldly power. He’s just a regular guy trying to do his best by his friends. The fact that he feels a little lesser-than is a regular theme throughout the series, so much so that an entire episode was dedicated to his belief that a better Xander was doing a better job in his life. (Don’t worry. He discovers the other Xander was really just a part of himself.)

Anyway, after a put-down earlier in the episode where Spike calls him a glorified bricklayer – to which Xander replies “I’m also a swell bowler” – Xander gets his moment to shine, taking Glory out with a wrecking ball and summing it up with -

“The glorified bricklayer picks up a spare.”

* Once More, With Feeling (6.7) – As delicious as this episode is, I feel it relies heavily on its kickass show tunes. When I subtract the music from the equation, I simply don’t feel that, as an actual episode, it deserves a spot in the top seven.

3 - Normal Again 6.17

If you want a truly awesome mindfuck, Normal Again delivers. After getting stabbed by a demon, Buffy begins to hallucinate – or is she remembering? – that she is a patient in a mental institution, her mother is still alive, her father is around, Dawn doesn’t exist and she isn’t the vampire slayer.

In her hallucination – or reality – the doctor tries to convince Buffy that her friends and made-up sister tether her to her an invented world, and that she will only get better if she gets rid of her friends. Which puts the Scoobies in imminent danger at Buffy’s own doing.

The absolutely believable – far more believable than the life Buffy has lived for nearly six seasons – alternate universe in this episode is convincing, and the uncertainty about which world is real, regardless of the fact that we have only spent our time in one of them, gives the episode its number three spot.

Writers on another show might have cleaned up the ending. ‘Of course, she’s hallucinating her life in the mental institution,’ another show might have assured viewers. Instead, the parting scene of Normal Again insists it could go either way.

2 – Hush 4.10

Putting this episode in any number two spot is difficult, because this episode is really something to see. And watch carefully, you must. Because if you glance down at your cookie plate as you watch, there’s nothing to fill in the blanks for what your eyes miss. At the beginning of the episode, The Gentlemen, some of the creepiest monsters in Buffydom, float into Sunnydale and steal the voices of everyone in town. They do this, of course, so that people can’t scream when they cut out their hearts. The people don’t get their voices back until episode end, so, from intro to tag, the episode is largely silent.

This gives everyone a chance to show some real physical acting chops and to deliver some hand gestures that would probably have never made it to air if the episode wasn’t so uniformly brilliant. It also opened up a spot for one of the coolest unimportant scenes I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch. A guy walks through a common area that is full of college students and almost dead silent. He accidentally drops his glass bottle and it’s the loudest shatter ever heard.

And, if the overall brilliance of the episode isn’t enough, Hush also introduces Tara, who really rounds out the Scooby Gang. And, in a scene that deserves to watched over and over again, binds her to Willow in an undeniably magical way.

1 – The Body 5.16

If you haven’t seen this episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you haven’t seen what is possibly the most unrelentingly heart-wrenching TV episode in existence. And I’m not just saying that. Only an episode like this could conceivably knock Hush down a peg.

The body of the title belongs to Buffy’s mother Joyce. Buffy finds the body on her couch. She tries to resuscitate the body. She spends a long time alone with the body in an extended tracking shot that leaves her no privacy in which to breathe, cry or throw up. Then, when her Watcher Giles arrives, Buffy refers to her mother’s body as “the body” and it suddenly sinks in that her mother is actually dead.

Camera angles, no musical score and an emotional breakdown by Anya – which is hands-down the finest half-page of script in the show’s seven seasons, and, quite possibly, the finest minute or so of acting as well – give this episode even more emotional punch. As if it needed more.

Honestly, if you haven’t seen it, I can’t do it justice.

I wouldn’t even begin to try.

When Frasier ended, two of the show’s writer-producers went on to make a short-lived sitcom called Out of Practice. Had Out of Practice remained on the air for more than half a season, I do believe it would have become my favorite sitcom of all time. As it stands, though, Frasier holds that position. Over Designing Women. Which, for me, is really saying something. Because I am a firm believer that there is no life situation that cannot be summed up with a Designing Women analogy.

To be fair, I can’t say for certain that Out of Practice would have overtaken Frasier in excellence, because the single season worth of episodes that exist of Out of Practice relied heavily on those things that made Frasier’s greatest episodes – fall-out-of-your-seat-laughing ensemble work and comedies of errors. In fact, the two best episodes of Out of Practice used similar devices to some of Frasier’s finest episodes. If it had lasted more than a season, it may well have run out of tricks. Unlike Frasier.

Counting down my favorite episodes from Frasier. Some of the best writing. Some of the best moments. The best overall. Per me.

Of course, there will be a few spoilers.

7 – Back Talk 7.10

Confusion surrounding true (you know, fictionally true, not reality true) events – misattributed characteristics and mistaken identities – is a Frasier hallmark. And they do it better than any show in the history of ever. One of the least brilliant instances of this on Frasier still comes in as one of the show’s finest episodes.

Frasier’s brother Niles is head-over-heels for Daphne. That’s not a spoiler. It starts in the pilot. And, for seven years, Daphne manages not to know. To the writers’ credit, this comes across as totally believable.

After six and a half seasons, through a series of events and miscommunications, Daphne comes to believe that Frasier is the Crane brother in love with her. She gets awkward around Frasier, Frasier gets drugged out on pain medication, and it all leads back to the truth.

Everything the audience ultimately wants. Entirely convoluted. Classic sitcom.

6 – Halloween 5.3

Like Back Talk, Halloween is largely a comedy of errors. Roz, Frasier’s producer and close friend, thinks she’s pregnant. She wants to keep things under wraps, but a series of misunderstandings lead to some people knowing that she may be pregnant and others – namely Niles – believing that Daphne is pregnant. With Frasier’s child.

Of course, also as in Back Talk, the truth comes out eventually. In the most public possible way.

When it comes down to it, Halloween has the same things going for it as Back Talk, but incorporates costumes for our viewing pleasure.

5 – Something Borrowed, Someone Blue 7.23 & 7.24

Seven seasons is a whole lot of episodes to keep a destined TV couple apart. The Frasier writing staff did a brilliant job of introducing obstacles to the Niles and Daphne relationship that seemed both realistic and absurd at the same time.

And it all comes down to this.

Niles has just gotten married. Daphne is supposed to be getting married. It’s all about to go by way of ‘what could have been’. Then, Frasier meddles and convinces Niles to tell Daphne how he feels. A lot of minutes tick by before he gets the chance, and an anxious watcher might very well be taking every-few-second glances at the clock. Then, it’s all nervous and cute and a damn good TV kiss.

What makes this episode so brilliant is that it knows when to take itself seriously. It’s been seven seasons and, for a few minutes, all really does seem lost. In the last bit, the writers drop the comedy level and play it as straight as a sitcom allows.

And it’s excellent.

4 – Star Mitzvah 10.6

Though, to some extent, Frasier was past its prime in its final seasons, as so many shows tend to be, the writers did manage to squeeze a few brilliant episodes from those last couple of years. Of those rare gems, this episode from the penultimate season tops the list.

Frasier wants to give a blessing in Hebrew at his son’s bar mitzvah. His colleague, Noel, knows the language and agrees to teach Frasier the blessing if Frasier will get him an autograph at a Sci-Fi convention. Frasier doesn’t come through, but Noel does. In his own special way. He also speaks Klingon, and Frasier ends up giving a blessing that no bar mitzvah attendee will ever forget.

As far as flat-out funny goes, this episode comes in high. It’s the reactions of Frasier’s son, though, that carries it home.

3 – An Affair to Forget 2.21

The number of times that I have watched episodes three through one on this list is simply pathetic. And I still laugh every single time. If I need a pick-me-up, any one of these episodes is like a mood elixir. They are that fucking funny.

In this outing, Niles believes that his wife, the never-seen, but oft-described Maris, is having an affair with her fencing instructor. There’s a frigate joke that we all should have come up with, but didn’t, and a fencing joke that couldn’t have possibly been better delivered. Just when you think the episode can’t get funnier, though, there is a three-language bit (or is it four?) that takes your breath for laughing.

If you watch the clip below from 2:30 to 4:15, and start again at 5:50, you’ll get the best of it and skip the backing music.

2 – The Two Mrs. Cranes 4.1

Frasier is always at its finest when it uses its entire ensemble. And a brilliant ensemble it managed to put together.

The Two Mrs. Cranes takes the core cast and throws them into the greatest set-up of all eleven seasons. In the episode, nothing gets mistaken by accident. Instead, the main players intentionally deceive Daphne’s visiting good-for-nothing ex-fiance, who has returned to declare his undying love for her. They invent a story that becomes a bigger and bigger web of lies, growing more intricate when Frasier and Niles’ father Martin decides to have some fun with his new anything-goes identity and pulls an unsuspecting Roz into the fold.

It’s when they all discover that Daphne’s ex-fiance is no longer a good-for-nothing, though, and she and Roz realize he’s quite a catch that the sparks – and the jokes – really start to fly.

Aside from the absolutely hysterical plot and writing, this episode has the benefit of some exceptional comedic acting. Kelsey Grammer’s reaction shots are some of the funniest moments of the episode.

1 – Ham Radio 4.18

Just as The Two Mrs. Cranes brought the main cast together, Ham Radio brought the entire Frasier ensemble – and then some – together in an episode that was damn near perfection. Frasier is directing a radio drama for the radio station’s anniversary, and he needs most of the extended cast to take a part. They do, and one of the funniest ten minutes of script ever put to paper goes down in TV history.

One of the most interesting aspects of Ham Radio is that, with the exception of a few hysterical cutaways to Daphne and Martin listening to the drama on the radio, the entire second half of the episode is spent in the recording studio, with the majority of the time dedicated to the radio drama itself. And if you think you can imagine how funny a few good comedy writers could make such a premise, but you haven’t seen Ham Radio, I can almost assure you that you haven’t thought up every trick in the book. But the Frasier writers  did, and, aided by some seriously spot-on acting, the genius of their writing sparkles on that little screen.

“Dad had a stroke.”

Those words will snap you into wakefulness before your first cup of coffee on a Saturday morning.

Those words snapped me into wakefulness before my first cup of coffee on Saturday morning.

My sister called at 1:30 am. With the schedule we’ve been on lately, we would have usually been up. But we were sleeping in twin beds, pushed together and awkward, in Gulf Shores. She left a message. I listened to it and, at first, I didn’t understand the word she’d said. It was as if it was missing from the sentence, like the line went dead in that instant.

If she had said “Dad had an accident,” it wouldn’t have surprised me. He climbs mountains. He whitewater rafts. Not that long ago, he got knocked out of the back of a truck at his job. When I was a kid, we picked him up from a bike ride one time after he’d had a wreck that looked as if he’d skidded a mile along the asphalt.

As the message played, though, the word filled itself in. His speech was slurred, she said. His face was drooping. He was weak on one side.

My father is not a perfect man. But, in some small way, there has always been something a little heroic about him too. I have seen him help two teenagers who flipped their car in a field, tend to a man badly injured in a motorcycle accident before the ambulance got to the scene, and stop to change the tire of old ladies stuck on the side of the road.

I don’t know. I guess I just always thought that he was invincibile.

Now I know that he isn’t.

But I don’t want to know.

My sister told me last night that my dad looked scared.

I didn’t know he got scared.

We’ve left Louisiana and here we are in Gulf Shores, Alabama. So, I guess technically these are Texas-Louisiana-Alabama-by-way-of-Mississippi findings. Truthfully, it’s not horrible, but it’s not exactly class central either. It reminds me, unsurprisingly, of other beach towns with its gazillion condos, mini golf courses and tacky souvenir shops, but the crowd reminds me a little of Vegas. If you don’t love the casino crowd, you get this. If you love casinos and the pajama-with-fur-coat-wearing patrons who chain smoke their way through them, my apologies.

Here are findings for the rest of the trip thus far -

4 – The beignets that are famous at Cafe du Monde were made famous by those who have never eaten a funnel cake. Apparently. Because that’s what they tasted like. Maybe they are just made famous by those who have never eaten a funnel cake for breakfast, and maybe those people aren’t making the association because no one ever should eat a funnel cake for breakfast. Like, maybe they get their pillowy funnel cakes… er, beignets… from Cafe du Monde for breakfast and say to themselves, “This is the best breakfast pastry I’ve ever eaten,” because they want to believe that it’s a breakfast pastry. Not that those are particularly healthy.

I say, if you want a funnel cake for breakfast on vacation, why not just eat a funnel cake for breakfast? No need for misnomers. It’s vacation. Own your fluffy fried grease-patty.

5 – I shouldn’t have heeded anything at all that I read online about New Orleans. Here are just some of the things that I found to be either untrue or misleading…

- New Orleans is a dangerous place.

Now, don’t get me wrong. New Orleans IS a dangerous place. This is not an unfair reputation. The crime statistics, sadly, support this statement. I would also admit that the nice parts of New Orleans aren’t like the nice parts of other cities. I didn’t go around without my camera, as many people suggested, but I didn’t keep it around my neck outside of tourist areas either. We didn’t avoid going out after dark, but we didn’t walk down empty streets either. It did feel like constant vigilance was required, maybe even a tad more so than I would use elsewhere.

I wasn’t afraid, though. Not where we were . I could see, though, why some people would be.

- Go to the French Quarter. Don’t leave it.

Well, we went to the French Quarter, and it was worth seeing. A few cool, interesting sites. Great architecture, obviously. Local artists doing their thing. History. It was all good.

It was also very touristy. Shops for tourists. Food for tourists. Even the outdoor market place was geared toward tourists. In other words, it wasn’t quite our scene. But since we were there for the first time and for a limited time, we felt like we should go to the French Quarter first, and so we did.

The first night we were there, we walked Bourbon Street. Which is definitely not our scene. Drunk people, smokers, half-naked people and leers. Also very reminiscent of Vegas, actually.

- Don’t walk between the French Quarter and the Garden District.

We didn’t. Not all the way. But that’s because we’d been walking all day and it ended up being a bit further than it looked on the map. We did, however, walk about eighty percent of the way. Nothing bad happened. Of course, that doesn’t mean nothing bad ever does happen to unsuspecting tourists. It does. But bad things happen to fearful tourists who leave their cameras at home and take cabs everywhere too. They miss stuff and get no pictures.

- New Orleans is more like a European city than an American city.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It isn’t. It may look more European than other American cities, but it’s not like European cities. This was clearly declared by someone who has never seen a European city. Or a Canadian city.

6 – New Orleans food will change your life.

Did I mention the beignets?

I found New Orleans food to be more of a contradiction really. I had the best jambalaya I’ve ever had. And it made my face smile. Then, I had the worst bread pudding I’ve ever had for dessert. (Fruit cocktail? Oh, hell no.) Later that day, I had the worst gumbo I’ve ever had. (That stock was from a bouillon cube and you won’t convince me otherwise.) Then, I had one of the best… if not the best… bread pudding I’ve ever had.

Either way, the cooking was New Orleans-true, but it wasn’t life-changing. Except for, maybe, the bread pudding. The second to-go order we grabbed on our way out is doing some very pleasant things to my tummy area as I type this.

7 – TCBY still exists here in Gulf Shores. Who knew? And, also, the shells are large and quite frequently found whole. Today, Shawna found an intact oyster shell and I found a conch shell. Okay, so mine was half an inch long. But size doesn’t matter. Or so they say.

Also in Gulf Shores, you can find the Gulf Coast Zoo. And we did. There’s a sign out front advertising it as “The Little Zoo That Could”. It’s more “The Little Zoo That Tries,” but, still, I didn’t mind it. The reptile building was a little pathetic, the exhibits were a little sad, but the animals appeared healthy and happy.

At one point, there was a wild bunny. It looked like it was about to run into the lion cage and become lion lunch, but it wised up at the last. Then, a little neon frog  jumped like six feet right next to us. It doesn’t sound that exciting, so you’ll just have to believe me when I tell you it was wicked.

We’re on a mini-trip. Shawna’s parents invited us to their condo in Gulf Shores over the weekend. Yes, Alabama. I know. I don’t know why the fuck I keep ending up living in/traveling in these red states either. It gives me a (super gay) skin rash.

I got behind in my posts again (the horror!) and to keep from getting even further behind, I’m just skipping over my last two posts of my last 7 Things and getting onto this week. And then I’ll go back and finish up the last list, because I know you’re all on tenterhooks wondering what show I might discuss next.

My blog posts lately… life-changing.

Okay, I’ll give you a hint about the next one, since I don’t want your individual butts to get sore from clutching so hard at the edge of your seats. It’s Frasier.

Now, back to this post.

It will be the first time we’ve seen Shawna’s parents since they acted like complete asshats, allowing Shawna’s brother to exclude Shawna from his wedding for a false reason and then feeling it was justified just because he said so the falling out. I don’t know how I feel about it, other than, frankly, not too good. You don’t have to hate or not care about people just because they continuously hurt you, but I don’t know that you have to be around them either. I don’t like feeling sad all the time, and, over the past couple of years, I’ve discovered that the only way to avoid feeling sad when people say or do things is to avoid hearing them or letting them happen. And, unfortunately, the only way I’ve discovered to do that is to just not be around those people, even if they are all of the closest people to you.

This particular bit of drama, of course, isn’t really even my thing. I’m just a background player, which is sadly an upgrade from once being banned from the set. But I do get tired of all of the shit that people dish out. Anyway, the point is, if anyone knows the secret to taking a sucker punch and not getting the wind knocked out of you, please share your secret.

Then tell me if you’d walk back up to the person and let them punch you again.

I mean, for you religious people out there, I know that you count on forgiveness and all, but if you apologize for the same sin for the fiftieth time, at some point even God has to be like, “Really? You’re sorry? Because you’ve said that forty nine times, yet here we are again.”

I mean, doesn’t He/She/Ganesh? <— Threw in my favorite God, just ’cause. Extra arms and a trunk? Shit gets done when Ganesh is in the house. Hindu Power!

But, to make this experience more bearable fun, we decided to stop in New Orleans for a couple of nights. It’s the first time we’ve been here. In fact, it’s the first time we’ve been through Louisiana. Which is weird, because we’ve been all over this region of the country… we’ve been all over most of the country… so it’s kinda excitin’. To pay tribute to the start of our New Orleans adventure, I was going to do a list of the seven most haunted places I’ve ever been, but, after today’s travels, I’ve decided to save that list for another day.

Instead, in the spirit of Demetri Martin, I would like to share findings from the trip, starting with the first three, since I’m behind…

So, here they are…

1 – Just like when you leave Amarillo going west on I-40 and nothing stretches out as far as the eye can see, when you leave Dallas going east on I-20, there is nothing. Then there is a fried pie place, and then a small blip of a town, and then nothing again until Shreveport. For East Coasters who don’t drive that far, you have few opportunities to understand this type of nothing. It only happens a couple of places east of the Mississippi. There’s a good stretch in Kentucky, but you have to be on old highways, not Interstates, to find it, and one Interstate stretch – Atlanta to Savannah.

2 – Louisiana loves their gambling, apparently. So much so that all the travel plazas have attached casinos. Which means that Louisiana travel plazas have that unmistakable casino smell, cigarette smoke and desperation.

3 – The bridge that crosses the Mississippi in Baton Rouge is the prettiest Mississippi-cross in the country. But I might have been skewed, because they lit is up for me. Yes… just for me.

Also, we went to Bourbon Street tonight and walked around. More about it later, but it did reaffirm something for me. Nudity, just for nudity’s sake, not sexy. Don’t get me wrong, when I was a young…er lesbian, I enjoyed an occasional nude lady, though it was never anything to get all swoony over. For, you know, uh, excitement to transpire, the nudey lady had to be doing something. Like, you know, getting reacquainted with her own nudey body or kissing another nudey lady – without doing that terrible porn tongue-dueling thing that is SO not sexy.

Well, tonight, I saw several women in so little clothing, they may as well have been nude. And it reminded me of a thought I had recently, regarding how hot women are in layer wintered clothing.

A scantily-clad woman is like someone giving you your birthday present unwrapped.

This show makes me so damn happy. It did when I was a kid, and it remains true today. The original cast was one of the best in TV history and the writing was simply stellar. Like other sitcoms of the time, Designing Women often dealt with issues that sitcoms today wouldn’t dare touch. None did it better, though. Also, Julia Sugarbaker will forever be one of my favorite characters.

Counting down my favorite episodes from Designing Women. Some of the best writing. Some of the best moments. The best overall. Per me.

Of course, there will be a few spoilers. Nothing too spoilery, I don’t think.

7 - This is Art 5.18

The plot is pretty simple. Julia sets her purse down for a moment at an art gallery. People think it’s a work of art. Patrons want to buy her work. She is treated like the second coming of Rodin.

It’s the mocking homage to modern art that makes this episode so brilliant. Because modern art sort of makes a mockery of itself.

Hey, I’m all about trying new things, and I encourage people to express themselves, but I’ve been in an art museum where wads of paper on the floor were supposed to be representative of something or another, and last year multiple people walked through an exhibit at an art museum in Rotterdam – an exhibit which consisted of over forty feet of peanut butter spread on the floor – so I’m not sure all expression should be on display. Because, to me, getting 40-feet of floor space in an art museum and using it to spread peanut butter on the floor just makes you an asshole.

The episode also has one of the show’s most amusing physical comedy bits. Suzanne glues her lips together, and her wild gesturing gets her mistaken for a mime.

6 - The Rowdy Girls 4.6

Along with Killing All the Right People, an episode dealing with AIDS that just barely misses this list, The Rowdy Girls is perhaps one of the most serious episodes of the series. When Julia, Suzanne, Mary Jo and Charlene need choreography for an upcoming talent show, they go to Charlene’s cousin Mavis for help. When Charlene overhears Mavis’ husband verbally abusing her – and Mavis later shows up with a black eye – Charlene tries to convince Mavis to leave.

There is nothing funny at all about the abuse storyline in this episode, which may seem like a bad script for a sitcom. However, the subplot of Suzanne being convinced that they cannot enter a talent show as The Supremes without blackface is one of the funniest of the show’s entire run.

5 - Julia Drives Over the First Amendment 3.22

I realize just how much I love this show by seeing how far down on my list this outrageously fantastic episode appears.

When Julia – not exactly known for keeping her opinions to herself – disapproves of the porn display on the side of a newsstand, she runs the stand over with her car. Then, she does it again. Then, she gets sued for violating the magazine owner’s First Amendment rights. The twist at the end of the episode, you could see coming, but it’s not so much the events of the episode, but Julia’s reasoning for her actions, that make the episode. The takeaway message isn’t that pornography is wrong, though I think a casual observer may see it as such. It’s that women should be treated like any other group, which means we should never have to see ourselves wearing dog collars unless we choose to buy the magazine.

4 - The Big Circle 5.21

I’m not sure what it is about this episode that has always stood out so much for me. It does have some memorable lines, and the depth of heart is definitely on display, but, compared to the others on this list, The Big Circle is a really quiet, subtle outing that isn’t trying to make a major splash.

Maybe that’s why it does.

After Julia’s boyfriend dies unexpectedly, she’s in a place where no one wants to be. Then, the daughter of clients’ gets dropped off on her doorstep and she has to play babysitter to the brattiest of brats. Of course, the brat is a brat for a reason – largely because her parents would rather drop her off with a near-stranger than take her with them – and may be the only person to whom Julia can connect.

It’s not a happy-go-lucky episode by any means, but you simply haven’t lived until you’ve seen Dixie Carter holding a child in a headlock with one arm, while chowing down on a burger with the other.

3 - The First Day of the Last Decade of the Entire Twentieth Century 4.13

When it comes to Designing Women, I feel that I can’t stress the greatness of the writing enough. Though, it helps that so many of those lines were delivered with such confidence and passion. This particular episode of Designing Women brought a lot to the table – a guest appearance by Dolly Parton, a ridiculous dream-sequence with the gang as babies, even a fighter jet doing a celebratory spin – but nothing in it could come close to this scene -

2 – Bernice’s Sanity Hearing 4.7

As far as quirky recurring characters go, Designing Women‘s Bernice may be one of the best. She’s a friend of Julia and Suzanne’s mother, and after Julia, she’s my second favorite character. Bernice is nutty in all the right ways and you just want to spend an afternoon with the woman, trying to guess what she might say next.

The Designing Women clan are not unaware of Bernice’s quirks – like when she wears a Christmas tree skirt as a real skirt – but when Bernice’s niece tries to have Bernice declared legally incompetent because of them, the clan isn’t about to let that go down without a fight. The twist to the episode is that, during the competency hearing, they all keep getting caught doing things that make Bernice seem downright normal.

The takeaway quote is this retort by Julia: “This is the South. And we’re proud of our crazy people. We don’t hide them up in the attic. We bring ‘em right down to the living room and show ‘em off. See, Phyllis, no one in the South ever asks if you have crazy people in your family. They just ask what side they’re on.”

1 – They Shoot Fat Women, Don’t They? 4.11

I imagine this was not an easy episode for ex-beauty queen Delta Burke to film, considering it was inspired by her real-life weight gain. It is written with such sensitivity, though, that I would hope she’s glad she did.

Suzanne goes to her high school reunion, where she overhears people discussing her weight. The next day, she meets a boy who is in the U.S. to help bring attention to the hunger crisis in Africa. Which leads to this line that Suzanne delivers in front of all her ex-classmates.

“I met a little boy from Africa tonight whose family died of starvation. And I realized that I spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact that I had too much to eat.”

Honorary Mention – The Candidate 3.2

Like Killing All the Right People, The Candidate is an episode that just misses this list. In the ep, Julia runs for office against a man whose politics and beliefs grate against her own. I’ve been thinking about this particular scene of this episode a lot lately, because it’s incredible how relevant it still is. Maybe even more relevant.

If a Julia Sugarbaker were to emerge in American politics, she’d have my vote.