Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 3.19 – A Curious Thing

Call me an unabashed lesbian, but does anyone else notice how, when there are multiple people filling a scene, Emma, Regina, Henry and even the Charmings look like a straight-up family, while everyone else kind of just look like bystanders?

So, realizing how much Emma, Regina and Henry are going to, once again, look like an adorable little family unit by episode’s end, A Curious Thing commenced with completely non-sexual-utterly-innocent-and-beautiful-loving-nurturing-good-by-nature heterosexual affection so they could show just how happy it makes Regina.

Just to be clear, again, this is in no way a complaint about hetero love. I like Rumpel and Belle. Hell, sometimes I even like Snow and Charming. I do not, however, hold with totally forced, weakly-written, uncharacteristic relationships for the sole purpose of having “romantic” relationships on the show. I put romantic in quotes, because, while there have been some truly nice moments between Snow and Charming and Rumpel and Belle, Emma and Regina have been done no favors with any of their love interests.

Let’s see, Neal left Emma to prison because it was the right thing to do. Fair enough.

Upon finding out about the curse being broken, he still stayed away, stayed with his fiancee, and, once she was outed as a psycho, pretty much just decided Emma and Henry was his family and he would have them back. And while Emma was resistant, Mama Snow decided Emma had to give Neal a chance.

Then, there was Hook, who double-crossed Emma, expected payment for his “heroism,” came through the door of Emma’s apartment and kissed her with full knowledge she didn’t know who he was, started hitting on her again the second Neal’s body was in the ground, and watched her from across the street. I know I already mentioned this, but it was f’in’ creepy, so bears repeating.

How about when the Mad Hatter held Emma hostage, and a whole fan group arose for their pairing, thinking Emma and her captor would make a great couple just because the dude was hot?

I swear, this show often feels like there should be a PSA at the end of each episode for impressionable young women. ‘This is not the kind of relationship you should have. If this is the kind of relationship you have, get away if you are not tied up and call for help.’

I mean, by all standards, Robin Hood is actually a nice change of pace as a love interest, because he hasn’t done anything overtly creepy, possessive, or otherwise disturbing.

However, other than dropping the phrase “soul mates” into the mix, and the painfully forced scenario of Robin Hood keeping Regina’s heart, there has really been nothing resembling romance in the Regina-Robin Hood dynamic either.

Oh yes, and this is a great place to drop in the reminder that this entire Regina-Robin relationship has taken place while Regina’s heart is outside of her body, in the clutches of her evil sister.

NOT romantic.

Also, this episode was pivotal in reminding us all of the fact that the Once team sometimes just stops trying.

The book? Really? And not just the book itself, because, drawn out over a couple of episodes, I could have almost bought that. But the book just appears when needed? That is so lazy.

They had so many options here:

Henry could have stumbled upon the book on his own and started thinking the fairy tales were real again before he knew for sure, and thought he was going crazy until the curse broke.

They could have rebuilt his old castle, or a makeshift copy of it, and someone could have gotten him to play and start pretending and believing in the make-believe and he could have started to remember.

So many unique things that could have been done, and again with the repetition. That is what I have a hard time forgiving with this show. They so often take the easy path when it has such potential.

Now that I’m done complaining, but, honestly, this episode warranted complaint, I did appreciate how Emma and Regina looked like a bickering married couple during this exchange.

Emma: That’s not necessarily a gift. He’s been through some tough stuff.

Regina: And some good stuff.

I appreciated less that murder only counts sometimes, and that Snow White’s blackened heart has clearly healed, since Snow White is pure enough to walk through a door that keeps Regina out.

Also, since Zelena is turning people into flying monkeys, and we are reminded of this with Phillip and Aurora in this very episode, how many Storybrooke residents did our band of heroes just off?

Anyway, Henry remembers, Emma looks to Regina, Regina encourages Emma to break the curse, and Emma leans in to kiss Henry on the forehead with Regina right behind him. Now, see the missed opportunity here? This could have been everything. I mean, given the feel of the scene, Emma falling onto Regina’s lips would have been slightly uncomfortable. But as much as this crew likes to keep the fans of all potential ‘ships hanging on, would it have killed them to have Emma stumble into Regina and them turn toward Zelena holding onto each other? It would even have made sense. Physics, momentum.

It’s not like they would have had to follow through with it. Just ask Warehouse 13.

Also, could they please stop sidelining Regina with simple moves? She’s the evil fucking queen. She rips people’s hearts out, she crushes them, she killed her own father. So, could we please stop flinging her aside with the wave of someone’s hand?

So, Emma instinctively magics Zelena away from Henry, and, when the witch is gone, Henry gets Regina to wake up, and she breaks the curse by kissing him on the forehead exactly the same way Emma did at the end of season one. Which isn’t at all surprising, though a new idea injected somewhere in here would have certainly come as surprise.

Zelena’s weakness is light magic, that’s the take away. Which is why Emma is the only one who can defeat her. Though, I suspect Regina will find her light side.

Now, the moment of truth.

I was actually benefit-of-the-doubting Once on this whole Robin Hood thing. Since Regina has been so ridiculously out of character with him, to the point of trusting him with her heart, I thought there MUST be a reason. What we were going to discover, I was certain, in those missing-year flashbacks, was that Regina fell in love with Robin Hood, and, though she couldn’t remember that, it was why she felt such an undeniable pull toward him once back in Storybrooke.

Once answered my belief with a resounding, “Wow, we hated each other back in the Enchanted Forest, no?”

“You’re just so much more likable here.”

Hey, the book can just appear!

Hey, we’re just soul mates!

Hey, soul mates do not spend a year together doing nothing but disliking each other! If they do, they’re not soul mates.

Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 3.18 – Bleeding Through

Wow, what an interesting title for something fairy tale-themed. Why does it sound so familiar?

Well, since that’s a mystery I shall never solve, I guess on with it.

So, as always, I Hulu-ed this episode to go back through scene by scene, so I could analyze for hidden subtext and watch Lana Parrilla’s hair sway. As I was doing thus, I realized I only had a few important takeaways.

One, if giving someone one’s heart to keep safe is a metaphor, so is someone giving up one’s heart when threatened, no matter what that threat may be.

Two, now that Regina is apologizing to people other than Emma, accepting that there is some justice in Snow killing her mother, and protecting Snow with a vengeance (and a totes soccer-mom belly-protection move), there is simply no reasonable way for Regina to go bad again. Since they have passed the syndication line, and should now make more money by moving forward with the show, regardless of budget or ratings, for another two seasons, I do hope the creators are aware of this.

Three, THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Emma and Regina are holding hands.

Emma and Regina are holding hands.

And Regina gets so worked up by that tiny touch, she has to go work off her romantic frustrations elsewhere. It’s all right. It’s good she get in a little practice before the real thing.

Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 3.17 – The Jolly Roger

All right, Bosses. It’s like this. Once Upon a Time is rampant with faults. The writing is – how shall I say? – spotty at best. Character motivations change with the wind, it seems. And while some people cheer every new character who comes on board, I am of the mind this show doesn’t need any more characters. It needs to use those few who are great better.

However, it’s Regina-Emma interaction like that in The Jolly Roger that calls me back to the table when I am down to my very last fuck chip.

It comes in with a bang with Regina walking all up in the joint like she’s bangin’ someone’s daughter. She’s done a protection spell to protect her adopted brood – her Emmakins and the two idiots.

“As long as we’re in here,” she says. “We’re safe.”

This isn’t a particularly interesting, or noteworthy, line. Hold onto it, though. We’ll come back around.

So, Emma has decided she wants to master her magic so she and Regina can combine their essences once again in one of those ultimate magical displays they seem to enjoy so much together.

“If we teamed up,” Emma says. “If you taught me…”

“Now, why does this feel so familiar?” Regina responds. I’m guessing it was the dream Regina had the night before.

“I’m ready this time,” Emma says.

“Okay,” Regina responds with a little laugh and THAT. DAMN. HAIR.

Discussion, discussion and Regina wants Emma to really understand, “This is a way of life. You have to fully commit to it.”

“Not a problem,” Emma replies. At which point, we show a very worried Mama Snow White, who must just accept with a shrug, ‘Oh well, incest it is then.’

“Meet me at my vault in one hour,” Regina says, because she needs time to stop at home and pick up the chocolate syrup and the rings. Despite past behavior on the show, lesbian-Regina is really very monogamous and Emma did just agree to commitment.

Also, I’d like to stop right here and offer a bit of sincerest praise. The Snow-and-Charming-are-boring-grandparents bit is one of the most inspired things Once has done in a while. A bit of comic relief in the middle of everything is rather welcome, and it was surprisingly enjoyable to watch.

Now, on with the subtexty goodness.

Deep in Regina’s vault – *snicker* – Regina thinks she’s going to book-teach Emma, while Emma just wants to get her hands on things. *Double-snicker.*

Regina wants to know who’s watching Henry, and she’s loving Hook spending time with Henry about as much as she liked hearing about Walsh some episodes ago.

Emma says she trusts him – Hook, that is – because he brought her back to Storybrooke.

“Well, of course, he brought you back,” Regina mocks.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Oh come on, Emma.

“Seriously?” Regina responds for all of us. “You’re going to pretend everyone doesn’t see the yearning looks and doey eyes?”

“I don’t yearn,” Emma declares.

“Well, maybe…” Regina returns, “but he does.”

Don’t be coy. You know he’s hooked on you, Emma. <— Where WAS this line??

Anyway, Regina is over the discussion of said Hooker, and it’s onto the big magic lesson.

Emma is basically, ‘Words, bad,’ so Regina gives her all the hands-on she wants by putting her – poofy purple air – in the middle of a bridge and then proceeding to take that bridge out from under her.

“What in the hell are you doing?” Emma wants to know.

“Every time you’ve exhibited your power,” Regina tells her, “it’s been spurred by your instincts. So, today, we’re going to push those instincts until you master them.” And, also, I’m sort of pissed about Hook. “Save the bridge. Save yourself.”

Save the cheerleader, save the world. Gawd, remember how amazing that first half-season of Heroes was? What the hell happened there, huh?

So, bridge goes bye-bye beneath Emma’s feet, and Emma is left with her hands on some things just as she wanted. Ropes, which, while not exactly my choice location for Emma’s hands, does, in fact, fit the scene. Then, those ropes break and Emma falls, and just as Regina is coming to the terrible realization she done broked her own heart, Emma comes riding up on the coolest elevator ever.

She thinks Regina’s mad because she didn’t follow exact orders. Regina tells Emma she’s mad because she has been wasting such potential. We all know Regina isn’t mad about anything. She’s just working out that residual-snippiness of having almost killed her unintentional beloved.

Across town, Hook is confessing his undying love for Emma, before he finds Regina and Emma alone in the protected apartment. Detecting Hook’s lies, while Emma fails to, because her lie-detection is… eh, forget it… Regina gets Emma to demonstrate her hot-ass magicks by seeing between worlds.

Unfortunately, this attempt to prove Hook a rascally scoundrel backfires when the mirror shows things as Hook said they would be, and Regina is visibly irritated as Emma determines Hook an upstanding fella.

The return of the unCharmings (yay! for this quip) interrupts Regina’s desire to turn Hook into a garden gnome, and Regina is so cute making her excuses about why she’s concerned about Henry’s well-being, and Emma is so cute thinking Regina is so cute.

Then, it’s time for dinner at Granny’s.

Okay, let’s review.

I just put up a new protection spell. We’re safe in here.

Let’s leave.

We’re leaving too.

Who’s up for dinner out?

So, yeah.

Also, for anyone who found it incredibly romantic and heartbreaking, as the writers hoped you would, when Hook watched Emma longingly through the window of Granny’s from across the street with his monoscope as she dined, please remember, if someone does this in real life, he is a FUCKING STALKER.

Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 3.16 – It’s Not Easy Being Green

In my desperate attempt to catch up for the season, I shall be Once Upon a Timing for several days in a row. All necessary components, including myself, willing.

So, further catching up, let me just get right out in the open right now that I adore the word “wicked”. It has a lovely, specific meaning, and it’s one of those words that just feels right in your mouth because it sounds like exactly what it means. And this show has managed to make me so fucking tired of the word in just a few episodes, I’m ’bout to grab a shovel and bury it proper.

It’s the most grating when the dialogue sets up the entire scene just so the word can be shoved in like a damn shiv.

This isn’t the Wild West.

No, Dear, it’s the Wicked West.

I don’t care which West it is. I just hope somebody pulls out a pistol and shoots that word with a quickness.

So, onto the usual debate. “What did you do to this angry woman, Regina?” Which at least gives Regina one good quip – “Stick to the lasagna, Lady.” Then, she gets her feelings hurt and runs off, and gets her feelings hurt again by the fact that her Mommy loved her lost-and-found sister too, ’cause why not?

Then, shit starts to get real, as Regina, who has slowly built a relationship with Emma and Snow over the past two seasons, becoming a better person as a result, who has kept her secrets secret and her fears to herself, suffering alone and in silence the majority of the time, just flat out spills all to Robin Hood. Because he was there.

And, oh yeah, because she saw the tattoo that proved he was her soul mate. This is fantastic. Apparently, when you have been hurt again and again and again, when you have done horrible things and barricaded yourself from everyone else, when you have erected walls to hide your emotions, all you need to get over them is a whisper from a fairy and a tattoo. So, keep that in mind people who have endured great loss, suffered great pain, and been left to the world on your own for years.

This is so out-of-character and painfully forced, I don’t even forgive them when Emma says Regina is going to get help whether she wants it or not.

Then, Zelena tries to take Regina’s heart, but she doesn’t have it. Because she gave it to to Robin Hood to keep safe for her.

You are many things Once Upon a Time. Subtle, you are not.

Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 3.15 – Quiet Minds

You know… spoilers.

I’m just going to say it, this was a very confusing episode for me. Not because it had a shocking twist. Because as soon as Neal stumbled through the door of Gold’s shop, I felt like Spike in “The Weight of the World” <– Buffy reference.

Neal is Gold. Gold’s Neal. They’re one and the same… Is everyone here very stoned?

Anyway, that didn’t happen for a bit. Neal, however, is brought up early on (as missing, maybe, or maybe not missing), and Regina is all over changing the subject, as she always seems to be when Emma’s love interests are brought up.

Unable to cope with Neal’s shadow over her Emma-lust, Regina decides to go on a witch hunt. God, I don’t even forgive myself for that. Then, Emma says “Just be careful” and Regina gives a tiny smile, and damn if I don’t forgive.

This keeps our not-so-ambiguously gay duo apart for much of the episode. And – Oh look! – it’s Robin Hood, zinging an arrow past Regina’s head. At least she got to catch said arrow all ninja-like, which was pretty sexy. But then, into the cabin, and OMG! these two have totally had twenty minutes of screen time together and this moment of forced sexual tension and it’s so obvious they are meant to be. And this 15-year-old-boy-style macking isn’t at all sexual. I mean, they are man and woman soul mates. By its very nature, it’s real affection and destined and the truest of true, true love.

Cut to Emma, and Neal gets a big goodbye scene… again. Why, I wonder. It’s not like he’ll stay dead. And certainly not gone. Don’t worry Neal-ophites. He will be back to die a third drawn-out death.

Also, it’s pretty classic that the only person they don’t know in town is suddenly just BAM all up in their business, the only person who’s had a moment of doubt about it so far is Charming, and it lasted exactly long enough for him to be over it in time to take a drink from a stranger while bad tidings are afoot.

Club Storyville is Now Available

Five Things You Should Never Do

1 – Put your fingers in an electrical socket.

2 – Pee in the pool.

3 – Drink pool water, because chlorine and see #2.

4 – Cry over spilled milk.

5 – Release a book over a holiday weekend, because, apparently, it takes quite some time for it to appear for sale in the Kindle store when you do.

I cannot apologize enough for pushing back my release date, and then having the book appear a day later than promised. It has been a wild and crazy few weeks, but, still, I do not condone my tardiness and beg your forgiveness.

The book is out there now, for those who would like to check it out.

Club Storyville on Amazon

Club Storyville on Smashwords

Don’t forget, Smashwords offers a preview twice as long as the “Look inside” on Amazon, so it’s always worth a stop by that page even if you plan to buy on Kindle.

And, here’s the Author’s Note from Club Storyville, which gives a little insight into my very special bond with this story.

Author’s Note

Up until I was nine, I had my own brassy southern grandmother. After more than forty years in Southeastern Ohio, she still said “hoce” instead of “house,” “skoo” instead of “school.”

She was born in Lynchburg, Virginia in 1907, many years younger than her next youngest sibling. Her brother was a minor league baseball player, and she was a beauty, so that was a good time in her life and she enjoyed a long youth when most women didn’t. It was only when she moved to Richmond to “make her fortune,” as my dad put it, that she met my grandfather, and she didn’t give birth to my dad until 1947, not long after her forty-first birthday.

As a boy, my dad would go by train to visit my grandma’s family in Virginia. I inherited my love of trains from my dad, and my love of the South. We traveled southward a lot when I was growing up too – Virginia Beach, Charleston, Atlanta, Nashville. Forget the Mason-Dixon Line. I knew I was south enough when the kudzu started crawling over everything and every restaurant served sweet tea.

That said, this is not my story. It is the story of another time, of a different, more divided South. I believe the only way to write a story like this is to fully embrace it, both the good and the bad, so I have done my best to stay true to the attitudes of the time.

Club Storyville is only a story. Storyville, however, was a real place, a slice of American freedom open in New Orleans between 1897 and 1917. It has been my privilege to spend so much time there over the past few months.

Club Storyville – Coming April 18th, 2014

“There was a song in my grandmother’s head I never heard her sing.”

This is the first line of my upcoming novel, Club Storyville. For those of you who’ve read my other books, it may seem a bit of a departure.

I have a love-hate relationship with first-person. On one hand, many of my favorite books are written in first-person – Mirabilis, The Handmaid’s Tale, The Reader. The Bluest Eye is partly in first-person, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Catcher in the Rye. There is certainly nothing wrong with first-person perspective.

On the other hand, first-person done badly can often feel as if you’ve been sucked into someone’s personal fantasy.

Time shall tell, I guess, how my first-person is interpreted, because, with this particular novel, I could write it no other way. This is such a deeply personal story – not mine, Elizabeth’s – and this book is very close to my heart. It is chock-full of things toward which I am overly sentimental. Train travel. The south. Brassy southern grandmothers. Old cars.

And it’s peppered with things I spend a lot more time than I should thinking about. Like how the rules of society divide us. How the adopted morality of some impedes the happiness of others. How an open hand can change us for the better, and a closed hand can make us hard and hesitant.

Writing this novel has been extraordinarily difficult. It has been a long journey through our not-so-distant past, a journey during which I was repeatedly reminded dystopian worlds are not just the works of science fiction, that people have lived in them throughout history. Many still live in dystopian pockets today.

Writing this novel has also been extraordinarily blessed. Because when you immerse yourself in a time and circumstances that feel so bleak, you cannot help but find beauty.

A single red rose is positively striking against shades of gray.

Author’s Note: You might notice the slight change in the release date, from Tuesday, April 15th to Friday, April 18th. My partner had an unexpected ailment/appendectomy, and I’ve lost some days, so I’m giving myself a small extension to ensure a minimal amount of stress.

Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 3.14 – The Tower

-OR-

The One in Which the Subtext Can Be Boiled Down to a Single Twitterism

Seeing as I watch Once Upon a Time for two reasons, there is nothing quite as painful in those opening moments than to hear that one of those reasons will be spending the duration of the episode apart, and the other will be back-burnered along with her shiny hair.

So, except for that brief, shining moment when Regina was all like, “Awww, Baby, you learned to lie,” The Tower was off to an ominous start.

But then… what’s this?

Why, it’s Regina in natural light, reacting in a rather strange manner upon learning that Emma received a marriage proposal while under the illusion of her false memories in New York and being all cute and motherly with Henry.

“Oh,” Regina is stunned by the information, and digs for further insight into this… Walsh, whose name, like those of all Emma’s past love interests, she simply cannot speak without a measure of disdain.

One could claim – and plenty will – that Regina was merely reacting to the fact that Henry could have been swept up in a nuclear family that didn’t include her. But, basically, it was #ThatAwkwardMoment when one is supposed to have no feelings about her former nemesis shacking up with a sock monkey, but sort of does.

Also, I do look forward to potential amusing shenanigans from my platonic Once ‘ship Gold and Regina. That smile on Regina’s face when she learned of Gold’s non-dead status was glorious.

Subtext Recap: Once Upon a Time 3.12 & 3.13 – New York City Serenade & Witch Hunt

Here’s what I can say about Once Upon a Time‘s spring return. I know exactly why I watch this show, and so long as Lana Parrilla keeps having that ultra-shiny Regina hair, and Emma and Regina have their moments, I will continue to watch it.

That said, I waited until Thursday of last week to watch the show’s return, and still felt like I watched it too soon. The only satisfaction I got at all out of New York City Serenade is knowing how many of those “million moms” tuning in – the ones who think the mere notion of Emma & Regina is “gross” and that they are obviously “two women who hate each other,” even after two and a half seasons that prove them wrong – were thinking, “Yeah, but he’s a sexy monkey,” regarding Emma’s newest loverboy primate and, “They have sooooooo much chemistry,” two seconds after Regina and Robin Hood met for the first time.

Cause you know… whatever.

Also, on a list of things not to do, drinking a strange substance right in front of a police station while standing with a man just sprung from the clink, probably not the best idea.

And, really? Human lie detector Emma Swan can’t tell when a flying monkey is trying to lock her up in matrimony just to keep her captive in New York?

So, onto Witch Hunt, which was far more watchable than New York City Serenade for two very important reasons. One, Emma and Regina interactivities, and, two, Regina’s hair being all down around her shoulders and Regina-ey.

It all starts with a crash as Regina sees Henry back in Storybrooke and gets slippy fingers on her mug. As Regina stands staring in shock and pain at her beloved little prince, Emma is up in a flash of apology and lesbionic yearning as she goes to Regina and tells her they need to talk.

Then, there’s that moment where Regina says, “He looked right through me,” in a pained voice. You know, in that very open, vulnerable way she has with everyone. And there’s the instantaneous teaming up, as Regina is prone to do, a show for the rabble, and a chemistry lesson in the mayor’s office.

For those who might have missed it, here are your crib notes.

Eager student Emma says, “What is chemistry like?”

Regina says, “Thank you.”

“What are you talking about?” Emma responds. “I seriously need to pass Chemistry 101.”

“I am giving you what you need,” Regina explains. “You see, I am thanking you for believing in me (again) when no one else did. I know that wasn’t easy for you.”

And, smile coming to Emma’s face, she starts to make the connection. “Sure it was,” she says. “Now, let’s go back and forth for some time about the deep understanding I have of your inner workings and how I know when you are inert and when you are about to combust, then we’ll smile at each other in a totally unintentional way.”

“Well, Dear,” Regina says. “It seems to me you have a perfect understanding of chemistry.”

“So, I pass?” Emma smirks.

“Oh, you more than pass,” Regina’s doting smile lingers on Emma. “You, Emma, are my star pupil.”

And scene.

Next up, it’s into Emma’s little yellow bug for some serious bondage bonding time, where Emma and Regina review the in-depth points of chemistry by Regina asking for details about Emma’s work and Emma trying to convince Regina to meet their son.

Which she does.

Because that’s just the kind of lesbian co-mommies they are.

10 Things I Learned (Verified) During the 2014 Academy Awards

I know, I know, award shows aren’t exactly the place to glean essential life lessons, but these aren’t exactly essential life lessons. They’re more like casual observations that have an element of something resembling something worth knowing.

So, here they are. The ten things I learned from this years Oscars, in order of increasing importance, and starting with the one that has already become a staple of popular culture. 

10 - Names one doesn’t know can be difficult. Learn them in advance. Memorize them. Say them out loud and often. Rubberband snap yourself if need be. Know the fucking name, Travolta.

On a side note: Idina recovered like a boss.

9 - Bill Murray has his moments. Even if he has been the most vocal holdout for Ghostbusters 3. And has a reputation as a prick. And even if I sort of believe the story I once read that he stole some dude’s pizza on a street in New York and ran off with it, shouting “No one will believe you!”

8 – Ellen makes such a great host because she humanizes people that seem otherwise untouchable. Some antics go on a wee bit long, but they get the job done.

And while her feel-good moments may not be a song and dance, they are certainly better than watching an unapologetically sexist opening number intended to remind every woman in the room they have one purpose.

7 - Bette Midler has officially stopped reaching for those high notes. But she is still Bette Midler.

6 - Hollywood will never grasp that a standard mic cannot withstand a Broadway voice at full throttle without some tweaking or distortion.

5 - Pharrell is really determined to make that look happen.

4 – Every time I see Christian Bale in the audience of an award show, I think “Is Russell Crowe really the biggest asshole in Hollywood?”

3 - Some actors know how to deal with a slow-running teleprompter. Some actors think a great movie with a great score will blow…

…your mind.

2 – Jared is not the most attractive Leto. He is not the least attractive Leto. He is not the middle Leto. All Letos are equally attractive. Ridiculously attractive.

1 – There is not a single part of me that can see a single part of Goldie Hawn and not want to watch Overboard.