Okay, I know that I already used this movie as a “Bad” last year, but, seriously, I cannot say enough horrible things about it.

I would like to think that there is a level of disgusting at which all people hit the wall. I would like to think that, but The Human Centipede exists, as well as The Human Centipede II, and I just learned a few months ago about 2 Girls 1 Cup, so, if the human race does have a cut-off point, it clearly far exceeds mine.

That does not, however, mean that I am for censorship. As long as no one gets hurt, I frankly don’t care what anyone does, watches or gets off on. I’m a big girl and I am quite capable of avoiding those things that skeeve me.

Unless it has a hottie in it.

Of course, I didn’t know the gross-out factors in this movie before I watched it. And, even if I had, I still probably would have given it a try. In comparison to the above-mentioned gross-out movies, and, from what I understand, movies like the Hostel franchise, the skeevy scenes in this movie were a barely a blip on the radar.

Still, though, Laura Elena is supposed to be sexy and classy. She is. And she WAS sexy in Ghost Son.

As delectable as her breasts do appear, though, I never needed to see an infant trying to chew off her nipple.

a

Famke Janssen is one of my hottiest hotties in all of hottiedom.

She is just completely freaking stunning.

I have met Famke twice, once when she was drunk in L.A. at the after-party for the Eulogy premiere, where I called her by name and then she proceeded to reintroduce herself by name. And, no, I didn’t say her name wrong. She was dancing to no music and giddily happy. Did I mention tipsy?

The second time was by chance in NY. We went to see Dog Sees God and looked down our row as a hottie was stepping into it, and then it was like, “Oh my God. It’s Famke.”

And, if you think that she looks good in them thar movies, let me just say, she is unreal in person.

As in every movie that has ever been graced with Famke’s Amazonian presence, Famke brings a high heat factor to 100 Feet. Unfortunately, she didn’t burn hot enough to ignite the film and send the movie to a fiery grave.

She simply could not overcome the horror that is this movie. And I am not talking about the plot.

As for the plot, this was one of those movies that could have been really creepy if done well or really ridiculous if done poorly. Guess which way this one went?

It was kind of like a comedy that no one involved realized was a comedy until it was too late.

And, you know, as far as movies like this go, it probably wouldn’t have been THAT bad. Like, not bad enough to land on a worst movies list.

What made it so bad was that the cast gave it clout, and then through the entire movie, you were forced to shake your head and keep muttering to yourself -

What do they have on Famke and Bobby Cannavale? Clearly there was blackmail involved here.

a

Roselyn Sanchez is so freakin’ hot. Whether she’s playing FBI or a ballerina, she’s sexy with three “X”s. Like this —> SeXXXy.

Still, I couldn’t regret watching this movie more. It was so unbelievably bad. Oy.

But the absolute worst thing about this movie is that, when it starts out, it sort of fools you. For a few minutes, you think it’s just different – some quirky characters, reasonably interesting set-up, Andy Dick walking that fine line between interesting and super irritating.

Generally, different is good.

Then, you discover that the set-up isn’t really set-up. It’s like a stupid, frantic pace for the entire movie. And Andy Dick crosses the line permanently and becomes one of the most irritating characters in the history of film. And your mind starts to wander. And you start to wonder if you did something to deserve the viewing of this film.

That’s Larceny as I remember it.

It’s the worst Roselyn Sanchez movie I’ve seen, and, for the record, I watched Boat Trip.

a

I have been asked in the past how I come up with so many writing ideas. But, the thing is, I don’t come up with the ideas. They always come to me. Sure, I have to work through them, I have to flesh them out, I have to cut my wrists at times and drip a blood sacrifice onto the page, but that first idea is almost always just a flash of inspiration.

Sometimes I think I have an overactive muse. Sometimes I think it’s more creative compulsion than gift. Whatever it is, I am grateful that I never want for a story to tell. Sometimes, though, I do wish that I could quiet the constant whispers of a million characters so that I could focus on one thing at a time.

Because no matter how many things I write, I never feel like I’m writing enough. And I have a hard time stopping the writing process to take care of the things that should come between projects, like sending queries to agents and production companies and publishers. I can’t take care of the business for the writing, and that can be problematic.

Anyway, the point of all this unnecessary backstory is that it’s time to buckle down yet again into screenwriting. For the past four months, I have worked on only one screenplay, and I haven’t finished it, because I have been hard at work on several other, more essential, writing projects.

But now the Nicholl entry period – along with several other screenwriting competition deadlines – is nigh, so I must submerse myself into the screenplay process.

The Nicholl accepts up to three screenplays per writer. This year, I started narrowing down from ten scripts. I’ve gotten to seven, and now I’m stuck in quicksand, trying to decide which three to which to tether my hopes.

People who are already in the industry repeatedly say to “write and keep writing,” to “write a great screenplay” first, and, eventually, you will break in.

They state it as if it’s inevitable.

Will you though?

You can submit your best script, but the outcome depends on so much more than a great screenplay. It depends on the proclivities of the readers, the trends of the market, the humidity in the reading room, if someone’s lunch agreed with him or her, whether your protagonist shares a name with the reader’s cheating ex, if the grocery store was out of his or her favorite Kool-Aid flavor, so on and etc.

Take last year’s Nicholl for example.

Last year, I submitted two dramas to the Nicholl – one holiday-themed, one that ripped my heart to shreds as I was writing it, and both movies that I would love to see on screen – and then I looked at the fellowship-rewarded screenplays, noted the similar action themes throughout the selections, and realized that, in the year 2011, my emotionally-charged character dramas didn’t stand a chance.

That’s not to say that my scripts were absolutely good enough to beat out all of the other emotionally-charged character dramas submitted. It’s only to say that none of us who submitted screenplays with nary an action element were going to get a fellowship. The reading audience skewed toward action movies in 2011.

So, what do I do now? Submit three action movies? I do have three I could ready up for this year’s competition.

But what happens if the 2012 readers like romantic comedies?

And so goes the dilemma of trying to get a screenwriting fellowship. Attempting to read your viewing audience before your audience has even been cast.

Every year at this time, I sit with my dozen or ten screenplays, narrowed to seven or to five, and I try to narrow to one or two or three to submit to the Nicholl. And I feel terrified of my decision before I even make it.

Shawna says just pick three that are different, and maybe it is that simple. But it never feels that simple. Every time I decide what screenplays to submit to the Nicholl, it feels like a life-altering decision. And it could be. It’s a decision that, at its most desired outcome, could literally change my life forever.

You don’t have to write a bad screenplay to spend another year of your life waiting for your big break. You just have to make the wrong decision when it comes time to submit. Even if you sit with a masterpiece in your hands, it remains a gamble.

And when you submit what you feel are two very powerful, well-written, emotionally-charged character dramas to a competition that ends up with all action-charged winners, you feel as if you bought a lottery ticket in Georgia with all the winning numbers for Tennessee.

a

Once upon a time, I thought Mariska Hargitay was really hot. Once upon a time, I thought Mariska had the potential to be a really good actress. I even saw her on stage once, and she was good, and on the L&O set… along with Stephanie March. Just in case anyone wants to squee.

However, and I know this isn’t a real popular opinion, I think Mariska both lost her hotness and stalled out in her career. In fact, after her first two seasons of SVU, in which she honestly acted very well, she has basically stopped acting. To me, she has become one of those actors for whom fame has superseded the craft. She loves being herself so much, it seems, she fails to capture the essence of someone else.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for loving yourself if you can swing it. I just don’t think you can love yourself that much and be a good actor. See Tom Cruise. Though, I do have to give Tom props for Tropic Thunder.

I would be happy to read another opinion on this subject.

Anyway, the point is I watched this movie on purpose, because Mariska is in it. If you like Mariska and haven’t seen it, don’t bother. She’s in it for like three seconds and the rest was a disaster.

Or so I’m told. And so says the rating on IMDB. I don’t know with any certainty. I don’t even remember sitting through the movie.

In summation, don’t watch Perfume, and, when it comes to Mariska, our relationship is very Casablanca.

We will always have the first season of SVU, before they destroyed her hair and she turned into a celebrity.

a

Note the bad Photoshop job above? It pretty much sums up the amount of concern put into the movie.

Now, don’t be hating because it’s a Lifetime movie. The year before Lifetime did His & Her Christmas and it was highly watchable. Like Ebbie and Sophie and the Moonhanger and all of the other highly watchable movies that Lifetime has done. It does happen.

But not this time.

From beginning to end, this movie was a freaking train wreck. And I sat there and watched every freaking minute, because I have loved Sarah Freakin’ Paulson since the other side of last decade.

Sarah represents the nearest cheat on this list, because she is a major crossover on my hottie and best actress lists. I like these other actresses as actresses, but Sarah is the only one on this list who would break a top ten list of my favorite actresses. So, I was going to watch this thing no matter how it shook out.

That’s why I’m pissy that it was so freaking unwatchable.

a

I like a few Jack Black-led movies. This movie, however, looked like it was going to be particularly grueling just from the previews alone. In short, I knew to avoid it.

And yet…

There was Ana de la Reguera in the previews, along with the terribleness, and she made such lovely scenery, even in a nun’s habit, that I gave in and gave it a watch.

Well, the movie was every bit as bad as it looked in preview. Bad enough to be a worst movie.  Bad accents, bad writing, bad everything. Just flat-out bad.

Ana de la Reguera is still worth pursuing though. Through any bad movie that may come by.

In crafting this post, I realized that it has been nearly a decade since I first went loco for her. It happened in Gitanas way back in 2004. Wow. That’s insanity.

Since then, she’s become fairly known to American audiences. Perhaps, if you don’t recognize the name, you know her from this -

Or from her CoverGirl face.

For the record, the “mother” on Gitanas was also hot, especially when her hair was down and all wavy. And, for the record, she wasn’t the real mother on the show. She had taken three girls, including Ana de la Reguera’s character, in when they were young. So, if naughty femslashy thoughts went through my mind as I watched “mother” and “daughter” interact – if I, for instance, wanted them to stop and make out mid-conversation – there was nothing wrong with that.

Don’t make it ugly.

a

I don’t watch Castle, but I’ve seen a couple of episodes, and whenever I used to flip past it, I couldn’t say that Stana Katic didn’t catch the eye. So, when I spotted her name in the description of a movie called Stiletto on one of our movie channels one day, I said to myself, “Self, that sounds like a totally ridiculous crapfest that only a hottie could save.”

Well, I was wrong. Unfortunately, only regarding the last six words of my internal declaration.

The movie started out terrible and then it got worse. At last, Stana Katic came on screen and she was way hot.

She simply wasn’t hot enough.

I don’t even know that I got through five minutes after she came on screen. It was so bad, I couldn’t even fast-forward to the hottie parts. Instead, I gave up completely and banished the movie from my DVR.

Which was really depressing.  Because did I mention she was hot?

a

Anyway, this list of seven things has a couple of rules.

Rule 1 – I had to have watched the movie solely because there was a hottie in it. I can’t include any movie that I would have intentionally elected to see even if it were hottie-deficient.

Rule 2 – The hottie on the list can’t be more favorite actress than hottie. She has to come in at at least 50/50. 50-percent love for being a hottie. 50-percent love for being one of my favorite actresses. That means, despite being completely easy on the eyes, Dina Meyer, Wendy Crewson and Leslie Bibb are off-limits. I love them so much acting-wise, you see, that I have difficulty objectifying them. Though that happens occasionally too. Mostly with Wendy.

Rule 3 – The movie has to be bad enough to truly belong on a worst movies list.

Bearing these rules in mind, I must give an honorary mention to Nine, because it doesn’t meet the above criteria. It does have hotties in it – for me, Penélope Cruz and Sophia Loren – and none of them are on my favorite actress list, so it does meet Rule 2. I would have seen it anyway, though, so it fails to meet Rule 1.

As for Rule 3, I found Nine so painful that I started fast-forwarding within the first ten minutes, despite scantily-clad Penélope Cruz writhing about. Then, I stopped at every obvious singing part until I finally found “Unusual Way” and discovered that they had allowed Nicole Kidman to sing it. And it was fucking tragic.

a

I don’t know how bad this movie is to be honest. I trust that I don’t remember it as terrible simply because I was in a mood, but it is a possibility.

So, here’s the story -

I’m in college and I go to the cheap movie theater with a small group of friends. I knew this group of people very well, and, yet, bizarrely enough, we had never gone to the movies together. So, somehow, I had never discovered the fact that one of these people, who was actually one of my closest friends and my roommate at the time of the incident, didn’t watch any movie with a rating above PG.

Apparently, if a child under thirteen shouldn’t see the movie, neither should she. This is not creative liberty. She actually said these words.

Yes, it was for religious reasons.

Unfortunately, she didn’t enlighten us to this fact before we drove to the theater, which was like 20 miles from school. So, we were left to choose from the movies that were rated PG or under. Oh, I’m sorry, did I write “movies”? Because I meant “movie”.

That’s right, once her religious fear of teenage material came to light, we were left with exactly one option. Which isn’t really an option at all. I should express here that this is not a knock against religion – I’ll save that for another post – because there were other religious people in the group. She was just the only one who couldn’t handle material deemed inappropriate for a twelve-year-old.

So, anyway, I walked into The Man Who Knew Too Little with a very bad taste in my mouth that, clearly, lingers to this day.

It was a truly stupid and terrible movie, though.

I’m almost positive.

a