January 11th, 2008 Riley
Oh, The Secret, you underhanded bitch of a book. You told me that the desires I put out into the universe would be returned to me. Not unexpectedly, you were wrong about this. Extraordinarily wrong. Dead wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I did not win $500 in McDonald’s Monopoly. That was just a small test of the universe’s awesome power. It failed.
But still, I held out hope. Why? Because I wanted to believe in you. I wanted to have faith that, if I just wanted badly enough, I would receive. I wanted to believe this, not so much about the Monopoly money, but about the biggie – The Disney Fellowship.
I did not get the Disney Fellowship. I could not have possibly wanted this more. The writing samples that I sent to Disney, in the form of my bio, my statement of interest, and, most importantly, my screenplay were not just good. They were really, really good. I worked on each piece of the packet until my fingers were bruised from typing and my eyes were glazed from revising. What they received was the absolute best that I can do. While I am often quick to criticize my own work, I will also say that the screenplay I sent them was a truly worthy composition. I tried my best, I worked incredibly hard, and I hoped. I stated my desires aloud to the universe. But did the universe return to me a Disney fellowship? No, the universe returned to me a form letter about how many praiseworthy entries they received this year and how they were sorry to inform me…
And now, there is a man who wants to have sex with me. This doesn’t make him particularly special. He’s just more blatant than most. And when I woke up this morning, my apartment had no heat… for the second time in a month.
So, now I can officially call The Secret’s bluff.
See, the catch-22 that The Secret utilizes to easily relieve the universe of responsibility for any bad thing that might come into your life is that you don’t have to want something for the universe to deliver it to you. You just have to think about it. The universe does not hear negating terms, so says The Secret. So, if you think, “Wow, I hope this plane doesn’t crash,” and then it does, you have brought it on yourself, because the universe hears only plane and crash and gives you what it thinks you want. The universe is quite presumptuous, and, apparently, rather stupid.
But this time, the universe is just screwing with me, because I can say, with absolute certainty, that I have not put out into the universe “man sex” or “freezing to death in my own home”. Not only are these two things that I definitely do NOT want in my life, but these are two things that I don’t even think about. I don’t worry about them, I don’t ponder them, I don’t even carry inklings of them at the back of my mind. These are pointless topics for me. I did not think these in to existence.
So, The Secret, bite me you Machiavellian self-help manual. I’m going back to Zen Tarot and my Magic 8-Ball.
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December 22nd, 2007 Riley
Yet another lesson from The Secret.
Did you know that no one knows how electricity works? I didn’t either. I learned it from watching The Secret on DVD. I always just assumed that before tying a key to a kite string and risking imminent death, Ben Franklin had some notion about conductivity and volts, but apparently no. It said it right there in the film.
No one knows how electricity works. Not even an electrician I assume that means. So, I’m guessing that every time an electrician wires something and it comes on, they just stand there and stare at it in shock.
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December 10th, 2007 Riley
Okay, I admit it. I didn’t make it through the film version of The Secret. That’s why it has faded from my repertoire. I tried, I swear, but it was awful and I couldn’t take it anymore. One day I will find the strength and courage to attempt it again, because it definitely did serve its purpose of being fodder for my amusement.
I do, however, have just a few more thoughts on The Secret in my arsenal. It’s not over yet.
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December 2nd, 2007 Riley
I was just talking last week about how I wanted a pirate patch. As far as unusual fashion accessories go, it definitely ranks up there in coolness factor.
Today, I sprayed myself in the eye with Pam cooking spray. My vision was blurred for several minutes. I had to flush my eye out with water. For like a minute, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had just blinded myself in one eye.
Then, it hit me.
It’s The Secret at work! It does have power. What I put out into the universe as desire, it returns to me. Of course, it seems to only return my painful and destructive thoughts, but, hey, who here is picky?
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November 18th, 2007 Riley
You know what I really love about the beginning of the movie version of The Secret? The use of reverb and echo for mystery purposes. It’s as if the makers of the docu-fiction didn’t think people would actually feel any suspense, and they had to let viewers know that it’s what they should be feeling. In a hollow and distant voice, the woman is like “That’s when I discovered it. The Secret.” And it sounds like she was recorded saying it with her head in a microwave or something. Then, she’s like, “I went on a quest for others who knew about the secret.” This snappy dialogue is paired with random images, like a woman’s face close up, the top cut off so that you can see only her nose and mouth, and of course she is upside down, because that’s just downright suspenseful. And the echo… and the reverb… and I can practically hear ‘the secret, the secret, the secret’ echoing off in the distance.
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November 11th, 2007 Riley
I’ve started to watch the DVD of The Secret. I managed to make it through almost ten minutes.
Nine seconds in, I noted how the DVD starts with a Copyright Infringement Notice like every other DVD. If they don’t want people to infringe on their copyright, shouldn’t they just not think about it? They are focusing on what they don’t want, and, in accordance with The Secret, that is exactly what the universe is going to give them. Copyright infringement, in spades. They should really be letting the universe sort this all out for them, just as the universe is meant to do.
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November 11th, 2007 Riley
We borrowed The Secret: Shhh from the library. But wait, you say, aren’t you already reading that? Why yes, I am, and thank you for paying attention. We actually borrowed The Secret: Shhh, the movie. That’s right. The originale. The way it was intended to be, a reenacted load of hogswash and hyperbole. Should be a blast.
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November 6th, 2007 Riley
Jack shit. McDonald’s Monopoly has come to a close, and did I come away with the $500 that I tried to draw in from the universe in the fashion prescribed in The Secret: Shhh? No! Did I come away with any wins at all? A McMuffin. I asked the universe for $500. I got a McMuffin. What in the hell is that? Does the universe have a hearing problem? Is it afflicted with a sick sense of humor? Of course, the book did inform me that if my desire did not come to pass, it was my own fault for not believing in it enough. Wow. How very convenient for them.
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November 3rd, 2007 Riley
Ah, our return to The Secret. How could I have abandoned ye for so long, when there is so much to work through. So, the overall point of The Secret (shhhhh) is the law of attraction, whatever you put out into the universe is what the universe decides that you desire and it gives it back to you with a vengeance. While this is both bold and extremely presumptuous of the universe, in theory it seems awesome. However, there are a few truths that must still be true, despite what The Secret (shhhh) wants us to believe.
The law of attraction does not factor in the laws of society. Not the rules, the laws. For instance, equality, there is none, and equal opportunity? Please. So, here is my amended law of attraction.
Law of Attraction: whatever your greatest desire is, put it out into the universe, and it will be returned to you (unless you are poor, gay, or any race other than white)
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October 27th, 2007 Riley
So where in the hell is it?
I ate breakfast at McDonald’s yesterday… again. Now, keeping in mind that I eat one of two things for breakfast nearly every morning of my life, oatmeal or cream of wheat, please note how hard it is to keep from throwing up throughout the day when I eat McDonald’s for breakfast. But I had to do it, because, according to The Secret, you have to put forth effort or the universe cannot respond to your request. So, I’ve put forth my crap-eating effort, and, well, no $500.
Universe, I’m just going to say it right out, you are pissing me off.
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