February 29th, 2008 Riley
Occasionally I’ll have a thought.
What? Wait a second. That wasn’t the end of that sentence!
Occasionally I’ll have a thought that is so incredibly random, I will wonder for hours after how exactly I get on in the world.
Today, that thought came on my first break, when I looked up at the vending machine and thought, “I wonder what’s the healthiest snack in that vending machine.”
So, I got up and went over to look in.
My findings?
Cheezits.
Cheezits are the healthiest snack in the vending machine in this office. And these aren’t the reduced fat Cheezits (which actually taste better, by the way). These are, in fact, the full fat, full calorie Cheezit snack pack.
Full fat, full calorie Cheezit snack pack = healthiest snack in office vending machine.
Now, I am basing this knowledge on my own personal food experience. I did not read all of the packages. But I would say the only close competition were from the peanut butter, cheese cracker sandwiches, which I would think lose because they are basically Cheezits PLUS peanut butter, which adds protein and healthy oils, but also calories and fat, and the popcorn, which would have been a better contender if it weren’t “butter lovers” and if it weren’t the microwaveable kind, which has been proven to have cancer-causing agents. Mmm. Yum.
The moral of this story:
Bring celery and bananas. Leave change at home.
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December 4th, 2007 Riley
There once was a beautiful, charming, and ultra-talented maiden. (She was also an accomplished sex-therapist and a part-time ninja.) This maiden was trapped in a terrifying land, a cubicle next to two warring tribes; the tribe of the bad country and the tribe of the pointless hip hop. These two tribes fought day in and day out, but the maiden could not escape. She was stuck firmly in the trap of credit card debt and student loan payments. So, the maiden suffered there, afraid and cowering, while the tribes clashed around her with the powerful volume knobs that served as their weapons.
What came of this charming and beautiful ninja-maiden? She lost her hearing, but it was too late to save her sanity. The battle went down in history as the Battle of the Dueling Banjos Where No one Knows How to Play.
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November 17th, 2007 Riley
This office has one perk that almost makes me want to keep a steady job. They have one of those fancy coffee machines, where whole coffee beans wait in a clear cylinder on top, just waiting to be freshly ground to create you the finest, freshest coffee available outside of a coffee shop. There are flavors like Mocha and French Vanilla. There’s both regular coffee and cappuccino that tastes so close to real espresso that I briefly considered fainting the first time I tasted it. There’s even decaf, which is just silly, and a delightful hot chocolate for those people who don’t get pleasure from bouncing around in their cubicles like a ping pong ball. It’s just about perfect.
The only problem with this machine is that I have absolutely no resistance to it. I can’t walk in or near the kitchen without being called by its Siren’s song. I have been drinking some serious coffee this week. I mean, like Seattle levels of coffee. The machine is preying on my weak immunities. I gotta see if there is a vaccine for this.
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June 14th, 2007 Riley
Every time I punch the wall lately, the wall punches back. The other day, I was gazing longingly at the Louisville Slugger I keep at my bedside to ward off intruders and fast-pitch softballs, and thinking how much I wanted to do some damage to the cheap furnishings I put together myself. Then I thought about the wall hitting back and figured if the bat did that too, I would likely end up with a concussion.
I have always felt bad for the people who have to go into the emergency room and tell the doctors that they like fell out of the harness that hangs from the ceiling in their bedroom or tumbled off their roof when they were spying on the MILF next door in the shower, but I imagine getting clocked by an unmanned baseball bat would be met with the same kind of horror-struck stare.
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