May 8th, 2008 Riley
I was late again this morning. I know. Shocker. That has nothing to do with anything. I’m just confessing.
I walked to the car with my wide open coffee cup and it was sprinkling right down into it. I drank the coffee anyway. I like a little rainwater in my drink. It reminds me that, at heart, I’m a wild animal. I would drink dirty water for survival and roar with bestial pride.
Due to the gray sky, light rain thing, I thought about going fishing. When I was a kid, it was always more enjoyable to fish in drizzle and cloud-covered skies than in the beating down sun. I have light hair, light eyes, and light skin. Translation: I burn like a mother fucker. This is why I despise the sunlight and have made plans to be sired into the nocturnal lifestyle of vampires. Stay tuned.
So, I had this intense desire to go fishing, and here’s a secret. I hate fishing. With a passion. Even when I was a kid and I went with my dad and a few other men in my life, I hated it, I did, but I liked hanging with my select group of people with testosterone, and sometimes testosterone forces you to fish.
Despite this aversion to fishing, I totally wanted to go this morning. I am two hours from a great lake. I could have hopped in the car and been floating on a boat in the middle of Lake Erie, hating fishing, by mid-morning. And I thought about it.
Why?
Because I would rather be hating fishing all day than hating getting my soul sucked out by corporate America.
The end.
Now where are those fuckin’ vampires?
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April 25th, 2008 Riley
Three Years? Three Years? Are you f’in kidding me?
Wesley Snipes skips out on a few taxes and he gets three years in prison? Three years?!?
The prisons are overcrowded. There are too many people taking up space inside them on drug charges. And now they want to make an example out of Wesley Snipes for not paying his taxes. Yo, it’s just money folks. It’s not like he hurt anyone. Oh, but wait, he showed disdain for the U.S. government.
Um… doesn’t everybody?
Meanwhile, in Manhattan, cops are acquitted after gunning a man down.
Did I miss something? Did the world temporarily stop at some point recently and then start spinning backwards?
Or could it be that these things happening so close together was the universe’s way of proving inequality in our ”justice” system? If that was your intention, well played, universe, well played.
Let me write this down somewhere.
I can do all the killin’ I want just so long as I meet my yearly April 15th deadline.
Check.
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April 25th, 2008 Riley
Everyone knows about fingernails on a chalkboard, that screechy, chilling noise that makes your hair stand on end and your skin crawl. Well, I have another nail sound that gives me almost the same severe reaction. It’s not the first time I’ve noted it. It’s just that I have been returned to a situation where I hear it constantly all day long. That sound is…
Acrylic nails on a keyboard. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
“Oh wait! I need a moment to think. Let me move one hand to the desktop and tap repetitively there as a stratagem for pulling the thoughts forth.”
Do the people who have acrylic nails like the sound of acrylic nails? Or are they like corsets once were, a necessary evil that is ‘fashionable’? And have acrylic nails ever really been ‘fashionable’? Because, really, to me, they are just LOUD.
You know, only one good thing on Earth has ever come from acrylic nails. Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5.
I didn’t even make that up.
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April 10th, 2008 Riley
Today, I received a forward from my boss. He sends a lot of forwards throughout any given week, but this one is pretty telling I think. I have to admit, while I will never be happy in a 9 to 5 work environment, I do appreciate the “we’re in this together” mentality. Not to mention, it’s kind of funny.
The message:
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected …And WORK is controlling your life.
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April 8th, 2008 Riley
Some workplaces seriously have an addiction to meetings. My current workplace is just this kind of hell hole.
I have a lot of very important things to do today that are entirely un-work-related.
Here is what I want to do today:
I want to finish the next chapter of Inamorata. For you people. Because I care.
I want to work on the play I’m writing. It’s deep and depressing and does hideous things to my psyche. I absolutely love it.
I want to work on summaries and loglines. I hate doing this more than anything in the world, but it must be done.
I want to think about how I am going to spend my summer, whether I am going to try to get into a summer acting intensive, or if that time would be better spent paying off debt and waiting until fall.
Here is what I’m going to be doing today:
A meeting.
An all-day meeting.
A meeting where we are supposed to have questions and look interested. And it’s about insurance! I don’t even know that I can feign interest. And, yes, I can take in paper and write by hand, but it doesn’t change the fact that some chic is going to be yapping about insurance and there will be many many questions. There always are with these people.
Oh the agony!
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March 28th, 2008 Riley
Um, some of the weirdest things have happened to me lately. A couple of weeks ago, I got an unexpected package in the mail, and when I opened it, I found this.
Now, you might be wondering… WT fuck am I looking at? Don’t worry. I wondered the same thing. Apparently, it is supposed to be a St. Patrick’s Day party in a box. This would explain my confusion. I prefer to party in a cylinder. Or sometimes a cone if I’m a super kind of intoxicated.
Then yesterday, on one of the many sites on which I attempt to turn nonsense into cash, I got this email from a fellow human person. At least I think it’s a fellow human person.
hi
My name is beauty koneth .I am a female
I was impressed when i saw your profile today and
will like to establishe a long lasting relationship with you.
In addition,i will like you to reply me through my
private e mail box(beauty002008@yahoo.com).
Thanks waiting to hear from you soon.
beauty.
Please contact with my email address:
(beauty002008@yahoo.com)
The answer is no, this is not THAT KIND of site.
And, is it just me, or whenever someone states their sex, does your mind automatically respond, “Hmm, I doubt it”?
Sadly, Beauty’s adoration is not for me alone. She contacted numerous other people on that site to share the love… and the Chlamydia.
Posted in Life Lessons | 3 Comments »
March 20th, 2008 Riley
If you get yourself into massive debt by means of several failed artistic endeavors, you may have to resort to wild and crazy options of making a lot of money fast in order to pay said debt down. If you do that, you can move to L.A. before you are too old to accomplish anything there and actually be able to afford the hellacious rent prices. Of course, there is a possibility that I will just get into more debt and never actually accomplish anything, but that’s future debt, and here and now debt is slightly more pressing.
There are lots of ways to make money online. If you need the cash badly enough, you will do what you have to do, and right now… I have to do.
So, here’s an analogy for you.
Let’s say Patty Duke does a commercial for urinary incontinence. It doesn’t mean that she’s incontinent. It doesn’t even mean that she cares about people who are incontinent. It just means that she wants to collect a paycheck for going in front of a camera and talking about incontinence.
These things are generally categorized as “commerical breaks”.
You see what I’m saying here?
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March 18th, 2008 Riley
If anyone were to ever ask me my favorite food, I don’t know that I could answer that question. You see, I enjoy a great many foods, but there is no food that I love so much, I would forsake all other foods on behalf of that one single food.
There are, however, three foods that I love to an extent that I believe that most people would consider unnatural in relation to what those foods are. I consider these my three peculiar food loves. This is not my opinion. I get this impression from the looks that I get when people either a) see me eating them –or- b) engage in a conversation with me that leads to the revelation of my love for them.
Food One (the cereal entry): Cheerios – These represent the closest thing I have to a food obsession. I could eat dry Cheerios like ten times a day, and there have been periods in my life when they have constituted about this much of my diet.
The best thing about Cheerios: You can’t find many foods with more good things in them than Cheerios. They are all kinds of healthy.
The worst thing about Cheerios: People look at me like a toddler in church whenever I eat them.
Food Two (the dried fruit entry): Raisins – Let me start by saying, there are two kinds of raisins. There are the dried out, nasty kind, and the plump, moist and delicious kind. Obviously I’m talking about the kind that sounds appealing.
With raisins, this love isn’t an ongoing thing. It’s more of a recurring problem. I’ll go months where raisins don’t appeal to me all that much, and then I’ll go through phases where every time I walk by the pantry, I feel absolutely compelled to stop in and come away with a fist full of raisins. Even I think this is bizarre.
The best thing about raisins: Again with the health factor.
The worst thing about raisins: They stick in your teeth. Bad! Sometimes they have stems in them.
Gross out factor: Whenever I accidentally drop one on the floor without realizing it and then happen upon it later, I always think it’s a bug from a distance. This always makes me squeamish for some time after.
Food Three: Marshmallows – Big fat ones, not little nipple-sized ones. I eat them plain without an issue. I also eat them in two fairly revolting ways. Way one, I dip them straight into a jar of peanut butter. Ooh, healthy… Way two, I melt butter and dip them in that, which ends up being like the concoction that you get while making rice krispie treats before you add the rice krispies. And you thought the peanut butter was unhealthy…
The best thing about marshmallows: Let’s not pretend here. There is nothing redeeming about marshmallows. They are basically like soda in solid form.
The worst thing about marshmallows: See above.
So, now you know my deep dark food secrets. Anybody else wanna share?
Posted in Life Lessons | 4 Comments »
March 17th, 2008 Riley
Here are my thoughts on Pilates today.
1. Pilates helps me discover muscles that I haven’t thought about since sixth grade health class… and then makes them hurt.
2. Pilates is gearing me up for a hardcore breakdancing career, in which I will be capable of doing the snake and hopping on my hands effortlessly.
3. Pilates is extraordinarily good for me, but I hate it anyway.
4. Pilates is what Yoga would be if it were completely sadistic.
5. Pilates is the devil’s workout.
That is all.
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March 11th, 2008 Riley
Here’s what I’m thinking. Waterboarding is very bad. Simulating drowning IS torture, no matter what our backward, violent government has to say about it.
So, then how are we supposed to get the terrorists to talk?
I’ll tell you how. Implement the Dolphin Plank Pose.
Here’s how it works.
A small wooden board covers the ground. On one end of this board, the forearms of the interrogatee are locked down to the ground so that said inerrogatee is resting on his/her forearms and elbows. The interrogatee’s feet are held at the other end of the board while the board is removed. Beneath the board is a pit filled with angry poisonous snakes. Once the board is removed, the interrogatee’s feet are released. This leaves the interrogatee in the Dolphin Plank Pose, on toes and forearms above a pit of snakes.
Only those in some seriously phenomenal shape will be able to hold this pose for long. For most people, they have less than two minutes before their legs start shaking and they can’t hold out. What happens then? They go knee first into the snake pit, that’s what. Not only that, but there arms are still locked in, which means the snakes have free access.
The beauty of this style of interrogation is that it’s entirely up to the interrogatee how it plays out. No one else even has to touch them. It’s all in his/her toes. Only the interrogatee knows how long it will be before the fall into the pit of doom, and only the interrogatee can stop it - by spilling everything… fast.
This would work, I’m telling you. I know it’s hard to understand from verbiage alone, so I have drawn the diagram below to illustrate.
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