Oh, to be a large company in the United States. How liberating it must be not to have to assume any responsibility for your actions even when you get caught. Not only can you get away with  any mistakes, you can even get away with flat-out lying for profit. No “accidental” or “unintentional” required. Just do your worst, like Pfizer, and then smile because you are such a big company that you are untouchable.

So, here’s how I think we little people can manage the same immunity to the law-

Step 1 – Invent an evil twin. Think soap opera. Dress in a completely different fashion than you normally do and put on a wig. Use wax and makeup to create a scar, birthmark or tattoo in a visible place on your body.

Step 2 – Be seen in public with this new look. Do idiotic things that get attention. Make sure you are noticed.

Step 3 – Complain to acquaintances that your evil twin relative, like my cousin ReJay Van der Winkle for example, has come back to town and is acting like an ass all over town. Explain that you and your cousin look exactly alike and that you are afraid that people are going to think that you are the one wearing your asshat in public.

Step 4 – Do some illegal shit you want to do. Like drugs. Or prostitutes. Or knifing the grocery bagger that handles your peaches like baseballs and puts the bag of potatoes on top of the bread. Don’t forget your costume.

Step 5 – Let ReJay take the rap.

Step 6 – Begin again. When someone finally begins to question the number of lookalikes in your family, it should take only one utterance of the word inbreeding to stop any questions.