Hasn’t written about it yet, so I guess she didn’t get to meet Redhead. Well, Saturday night, we went to the dance showcase, and it was pretty awesome for the most part, but Redhead didn’t show. I went back to our hotel room, trying to steel my nerves. Buck up, I thought, you’ve already eyeballed her, now all you have to do is speak.

Now, I know that you all know me only through the wires. Some of you I like to think of as my friends, but really we don’t know much about each other. Knowing me from a distance like this, as Random Riley if you will, you probably think me opinionated and rather vocal. You are half right. Opinionated, hell, I could deny that, but it would be like Jenna Jameson denying that she likes sex, and it’s a charade I don’t really have the time or energy to put on. But vocal? Only in writing and only at a safe distance. I am more the type of person who stays in the darkened corner and takes great pains not to be noticed in a crowd. That may be difficult to swallow, but it’s the entree I’m serving up, so there you go.

Anyway, it is difficult… I mean really difficult… for me to strike up a conversation with someone new. Due to this extreme character flaw, I figured my chance of letting you all, and myself, down to me setting my shoulders and going in for the personal encounter were about 85/15. That’s right, kids, the odds did not look good.

So, Sunday, we arrive and pull into our same parking spot of the day before. This parking spot was near the little cabin where we had seen Redhead flitting to and fro the the previous day. So, as soon as we pull into our space, who should we see walking all by her lonesome? That’s right, Redhead. And it would have been the perfect opportunity… except that she was on the phone.

Sort of like the day before when we were walking back to the car and saw her out there and it would have been the perfect opportunity, but she had a sidekick. And it wasn’t just any sidekick. It was an Olsen sister. As in those twin Olsens. But not one of the twin Olsens. A whole different Olsen sister. Who knew?

We now interrupt this post for an interesting, late-breaking happening. Shawna just went to get me more coffee. I said “Thank you”, but I apparently had a frog the size of my fist in my throat and I sounded exactly like Harvey Fierstein. If I could perfect that, gain a hundred pounds and grow some stubble, I’d have the hottest show on the Vegas Strip.

Now, back to Redhead…

So, anyway, she was on the phone and I was like “Okay, well maybe after the reading.” So, we walked on up to get our tickets and such and wait to go in. When I came back from collecting our tickets from the box office… I use that term incredibly loosely. You know when people refer to things as hole in the wall places? Well, this box office literally was a hole in the wall. I mean an actual hole in an actual wall. That was it. So, I came back out with our tickets, stepped into the sunlight, and Shawna was all like “Whoa, you need lotion on your face.” And I’m like “Really?” And she’s like “You look like you’re peeling.” And I’m like “Ew.” So, she’s like “Do you want to look like that when you talk to Redhead?” And I’m like “No.” And she’s like “There’s lotion in the car.” And I’m like “Okay, so walk me to the car.” So, we start toward the car, round the side of the cabin/quasi-theater, and who should be standing at the back of our car talking on her phone? You guessed it.

And here’s what happened next. I’m going to lay it out for you in slow-motion, much like the writers of Guiding Light are doing with the Otalia storyline now. I spot Redhead standing at the back of our car, turning ballet-like on her spot to resume pacing (she paced a lot when she was on the phone). As if a transparent wall just sprung up through the Earth before me, I come to a sudden dead-stop and actually utter the words, “I can’t go over there.” Of course, us being in slow-motion and all, it sounded like “Iiiiii caaooonnntt ggggooooo ovvvvaaaarrr thaaaarrrrr.” Shawna, not at all affected by the slow-mo sequence taking place all around her, rolls her eyes at normal speed and hits the unlock button on the key fob, effectively making our car chirp, which, in turn, causes Redhead to move away from our car. This gives me about ten feet of freedom in which to sprint to the front seat and crawl into the safety and silence to lotion my grossly dry skin. Though, the entire time I was doing it, I could see Redhead pacing behind the car, which made it difficult to properly groom. Task completed, and Redhead still on the phone, I retired back to the front of the building where she could make no more surprise appearances.

Though she did. We were waiting inside and Shawna is all like “There she is. She’s filling up her water bottle”. By this point, Shawna had decided that teasing me regarding Redhead’s whereabouts was a favorite pastime that she shouldn’t deny herself. I glared and we went inside the theater,where I stood Zen-like in the doorway waiting to be enlightened as to which side of the stage we should sit on. I went with my instinct and picked a side… which was correct. That was our first stroke of luck this trip.

Our luck continued last night when we got out in downtown Salt Lake to explore the Mormon way of life in Temple Square. Let me just say, the Mormons are living it the fuck up. Their conference center looks like it was plucked out of the finest monuments in DC and plopped down in the middle of Utah, their tabernacle looks like it is straight out of The Neverending Story, and the high walls around the place were Citadel-like indeed. I took this to mean “Nobody fucks with us Mormons”. I did crawl through their flowers to take a photo though. They are probably watching the event on their security tapes from last night as we speak, feeling thoroughly fucked with.

When we arrived at our hotel last night, I actually spied a core group of Mormi right away. I recognized them in their short-sleeve button-ups and drab colored pants, because that’s the exact same outfit that the two guys were wearing when I got Mormoned that time back in Ohio. Do they have a uniform or something? I mean, aside from temple garments and looks of disapproval?

Alright, so we lucked into seats on the side of the stage where Redhead spent most of the reading. Of course, it wasn’t like the stage was so large that there was a bad seat in the room, but still it was rather nice to be on the best side for Redhead watching. And for an hour and a half, that’s what we did. We watched Redhead. And she was awesome. Which isn’t surprising. But there were some moments when she was really, really awesome. And I once again fall back on my opinion that people shine more brightly in live theater than they ever can on camera.

One of the festival-runners sat right beside us during the performance, which ruined a little of her intended naughtiness, but, because Shawna loves you too, she did take this short clip at the end of the performance as Redhead took her bows.

So, the performance is over and I’m all like nervous and discombobulated. And I’m all like “I am going to do this. I am going to talk to Redhead. And I’m not going to call her Redhead.” (though Shawna really wanted me to). Sadly, Redhead was standing with the entire cast from her reading, which was like ten people. And I’m all like “Oh crud… I should have interrupted her on the phone.” Then, she starts talking about them heading off somewhere, and I’m like “Oh crud… she’s going to run off.” And then she starts walking away and I’m like “Oh hell no.” And I’m all like “Aubrey.” And she looks at me. And a little part of me passes out in the dirt. But, the rest of me presses on. And I’m like “Can I talk to you for a minute?” And she’s like “Of course.” And then we engaged in conversation and she was really, incredibly nice and really, incredibly humble and surprised that we had driven that far to see her. And I was all like “Can I be a total fan and get your autograph and a picture?” And she was like, “Okay Bitch, now you’re going too far.” Heh. Wouldn’t that have been the worst?

Actually, she was like, “Of course”. And she was all special and wonderful. And so this happened.

Now, on a personal note, I am a little disappointed in this photograph. Not because of Redhead. She looks fabulous. First, I would like to point out that I have a glare on my glasses. I do not have a gimp eye. Second, I really wanted to tone down that smile. That toothy thing taking place on my face? That’s at about an eleven. It really should have topped out at about a four. I spent two days practicing my close-mouthed sexy smile in the hotel mirror, because I really wanted to utilize it in this photograph. But I was too fuckin’ happy and my teeth busted out. Oh, Redhead, the power you have over me. Not to mention I have another person growing out the side of my head. Anyway, I know that none of you probably even realized that I am in this photograph, attention diverted as it is, but I still wanted to point out the way in which my unbridled excitement foiled me into a goofy, chipmunk-cheeked photo. Oh, and the huge dark circles under my eyes, which I can give credit to nature for, forced me into wearing my glasses. I would have preferred to wear my contacts, but it would have looked like Redhead and I engaged in fisticuffs prior to this picture and she kicked my ass. And I just couldn’t live with that.

As you can see, the hair is definitely redder in the sunlight. Hooray. I know how some of us love our redheads And despite the other nonsense numbers that you might have seen online, I am 5′3″ and leaning down slightly, so she is roughly the same height as me. That’s right, another shorty.

Shawna determined Redhead cute and adorable and greatly enjoyed that she displayed her potty mouth in front of us right away.

I just sighed and listened to the Everly Brothers’ “Dream” inside my head. That’s right. Old school.