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How I Ended Up at the Universal Hilton Instead of in a Temporary 3-Week Apartment Place

So, we left Kansas City, pit-stopped in Oklahoma City, then onto Albuquerque. I have a lot to catch up on regarding Kansas City and Albuquerque. Oklahoma City, on the other hand, well, you have Bricktown. It was pretty to walk around. In less than an hour, though, I was done there, and no one could tell me anything else there was to do. So I’m not sure what people do in OKC. I’m thinking they whittle. Anyone from Oklahoma City who does something besides whittling, please fill me in. I’m not trying to be a judgmental jerk, honestly. I just didn’t see anything to do, but I did see plenty of wood for whittling.

So, anyway, skipping Kansas City through Albuquerque for now, let’s talk what has happened since Albuquerque.

After witnessing a car accident in a shopping plaza parking lot, we depart Albuquerque in a torrential downpour, while dining on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because we are just THAT damn tired of eating out at restaurants (and because there is hardly anything safe for me to eat at restaurants… more on that later).

Somewhere on the interstate between Albuquerque and Gallup, where there is a whole lot of nothing (and I’m not talking like no shopping malls or sit-down restaurants nothing, I’m talking about real nothing. you can only understand this concept if you’ve driven in the western United States, or somewhere equally unpopulated, where you are greeted with a new definition of what real nothing looks like), a puppy is loitering on the side of the road, halfway in the lane. Unable to let cute puppy get smooshed by a semi, we do the whirl around in the ‘emergency vehicles only’ crossover and go back. Puppy is sitting all scared down in the weeds, whimpering, and bounds excitedly at me when I call to him.

So a rescue was initiated.

It seemed like a sign, and we really wanted to keep him, so we decided puppy should ride with us on this leg of our journey. Knowing very well that we would get attached, and therefore we shouldn’t name him, we called him Albuquerque C. Arizona anyway.

Ill-prepared for an out of the blue puppy, Albuquerque partook of the bottled water supply by drinking from a cupholder.

So, puppy made the very long journey with us to Colton, CA where we had a reservation at a Holiday Inn Express. Guess what? They don’t accept pets. But guess what else? Aside from that initial whimper, puppy hadn’t made a single sound all day long. So, wrapping puppy up in a jacket I was planning to toss anyway, we smuggle puppy up the stairs and into our room, where he proceeds to go into an absolutely crazed barking fit.

We take him back out and tiredly try to decide what to do. It was actually very cool out that night, so we finally left him in the floorboard of the front seat with the windows cracked. Why the front seat? Because all of our belongings are still packed floor to ceiling in the back, that’s why!

Getting up at the ass crack of dawn, we find that puppy is still fast asleep in the car, though he had helped himself up onto a seat. So we shower and return to our journey.

Side bar: puppy did disappear briefly in the car, and when Shawna located him, he had crawled to the back and was lying on top of all of our stuff. Little jackass.

We arrive in LA, where I get the keys to our temporary place and go inside. I have no problem with one room. I have no problem with less than ideal conditions. I lived in a building in New York City where I saw roaches the size of my palm every time I took the trash to the basement and where we shared an apartment with the bravest mice that ever roamed the planet. So, when I say that this place was nasty, that’s saying something.

You see, I know that it’s gender stereotyping, but I took comfort in the fact that we were renting from a girl. I had expectations of cleanliness. Well, consider me a better person today than I was on September 1st, because, as of now, that particular gender stereotype has been put to rest. When typing up the description of the apartment, the headline should have been

Like living in squalor? Have I got the place for you!

Well, I don’t particularly like living in squalor. I don’t like my tub so nasty, I feel like I have to wear shoes to shower. I don’t like knowing there are so many bugs living inside that I’m afraid to bring my stuff in. I don’t like spiderwebs inside the windows that look like something they would video for Animal Planet, or the resultant baby spiders ALL OVER THE BED!

Nope.

And to top it all off, there was no air conditioning. Newsflash: It’s hot in California!

So, what do we do? We get the fuck out of there and try to find a place to go.

One problem… we still have the dog, and it’s Labor Day, so all shelters are closed.

Do you know which hotel chain accepts pets?

Motel 6.

Now listen, I really am not a high-maintenance person, but I do prize cleanliness, as already established, and Motel 6 isn’t exactly known for that particular characteristic. I get a super kind of skeeved by filth. But what are we supposed to do? So we take our puppy to Motel 6 for the night.

It wasn’t so gross I couldn’t sit on the furniture, but it wasn’t ideal. Of course, compared to our temporary apartment that wasn’t, it was downright swanky. According to Shawna, it smelled equal parts pet urine and smoke. Anyway, at least Albuquerque could sleep inside.

Come morning, though, tough decisions had to be made. You see, we had no place to live, temporary or otherwise, and we couldn’t sleep at Motel 6 for the next several nights. When you get up in the morning in a place you really wish you weren’t anyway, and then proceed to witness a screaming match between a one-legged man who has come to collect his daughter and the daughter’s boyfriend, who apparently beat the shit out of the daughter the night before, you know it’s time to go. (And that there is a reason you go out of your way to avoid cheap hotels.)

Tough decision: As much as we wanted to, we simply couldn’t keep Albuquerque.

So, trying to do the right thing, we take puppy to the Pasadena animal shelter, where we hope he will be rescued by a nice family with a yard.

Then we cry.

After some serious stress and trauma, we do get an apartment. Unfortunately, we were told we can’t move in until tomorrow. Due to stress and overwhelming sadness (he’s just a puppy dammit!), we choose to spend too much money to stay at the Universal Hilton. With it’s lovely view and five-star service, it’s just what the doctor ordered.

Tomorrow, we will be in our place. Finally. And there will be no more eating out. Finally. And I can get to work. Finally. And there will be a return to some normalcy. Finally. (Except, of course, for the fact that the gas cannot be turned on until Monday afternoon, so there will be no stove OR hot water. Most excellent.)

Oh, and so far our puppy is still at the animal shelter. I really thought he would be adopted by now. They euthanize strays after five days, which means if puppy doesn’t get adopted soon, we’re going to have to go rescue him again. We still don’t have a yard, so he’d be cooped up all day. So, if anyone with a better puppy setup would like the cutest, sweetest puppy imaginable, and are in the Pasadena area, please go adopt him so that I don’t have to.

How can you resist this face?

Godspeed.