So, today I heard the tale of someone who is well on their way to scoring an agent at ICM. This is a huge Hollywood agency that will garner a new client big assignments complete with large sums of money. I am jealous. I am. Because I decided, just today, that money is my new false idol. I would wash its feet like Jesus and rub its fat belly Buddha-like.

Anyway, the story went as these stories usually go. Said writer was friends with someone who got a job as a reader at a management company. The friend called and said, “Hey, I just got a job as a reader. Do you have anything I can read?” so the guy sent something over, the friend put it on the top of the pile, and now the guy is this close to being repped by a big, reputable company.

Cronyism at its finest!

But, you know, maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe my only problem with cronyism is that I don’t actually have any friends, especially in “the industry”, so it’s never going to work in my favor. Which is why it’s time for me to commence -

MISSION: MAKE INDUSTRY CONTACTS FRIENDS

Where to begin though. There are only so many ways to make friends.

1. Be a person who is fun to be around.

I’m not, so…

2. Buy all the drinks or give lavish gifts.

I’m also poor.

3. Be a willing fuck buddy.

Solid. I have found my way. Doing it up ho style.

I am now offering free oral pleasure to anyone with industry contacts who is willing to be my friend… with benefits. (Please note, services will be subcontracted to countries where the work ethic is strong and labor is cheap.)