WARNING: If you have not read anything about the return of WMC, there may be a small spoiler within.

Now seriously… Do not remain silent on this people! Proclaim it loudly. We are GLAD to have our girls back. And it sounds like there is some potential that we may even be GLAAD. *Wink Wink* Of course, it won’t be my pairing of choice, or of my late night flights of fancy, but I’ve learned to take the touch of Sappho where I can get it in mainstream entertainment.

In all of my excitement though, I retain an element of concern. ABC still hasn’t renewed Women’s Murder Club for next season. Rumor has it, the cast and crew are looking for other work. This is do or die now. These three eps must receive a downright spectacular response. Because I desperately need to keep Lindsay, Cindy, and their smoldering sexual chemistry in my life, I’ve been brainstorming ways to make sure ABC gets what it needs in order to deliver us a second season. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

Recording Counts

Did you know there doesn’t have to be immediate show watching involved to score great ratings? It’s true. Recording counts in the Nielsens. So, if you know a Nielsen family, ask them to Tivo or old school VCR it for you. By Nielsen family, I am referring to one of those chosen homes that gets the little box, aka The Grail, that monitors their every small screen inclination, not just any ole family named Nielsen. I mean, you can ask the Nielsens for their assistance if you really want to, but it will have zero effect on WMC’s outcome. Nation, we must think big picture here.

If you don’t know your Nielsen (box) family well enough to beg favors, pay them… under the table… tax free! It’ll be worth it when ABC announces season 2!

How much should you offer? If you have to ask that question, then, trust me, you are not offering enough. How much is it worth to you?

Some things to keep in mind when determining this figure:

Lindsay’s overprotective streak and rampant Jamie Galvan jealousy.

Cindy’s blatant puppy love.

Cindy to Lindsay: “Who’s ready for a hand and foot fantasy?”

Lindsay to Cindy: “There is no way that you are going running around in random groups of men…”

Cindy to Lindsay: “Would you just shut up and let me be here for you?”

Lindsay to Cindy: “If we are going to have a relationship…”

Not the mention the LOOKS. I swear sometimes Angie and Aubrey’s eyes go places that porn is afraid to go. Me likey.

Of course, the likelihood that you know a Nielsen family is slim to none. I have become rather aware of the fact that Nielsen boxes go only to douche households. Since you read my page, you are clearly not a member of a douche household, nor would you ever associate with members of a douche household.

Good for you. Bad for Women’s Murder Club.

Be the Fantasy

If you happen to be a Nielsen family, first of all, I was totally playin’ you with that whole ‘douche’ thing. I just didn’t want the natives to get restless, what with the extreme envy they would feel over your elevated position in society as an important pop culture decision-maker. Bully for you, sincerely. It’s amazing what you’ve managed to accomplish in your young life. So on, so forth, suck up, suck up, suck up.

Okay, so if you do have television decision-making power of household, you must make that household work for us. It’s not enough to just watch WMC, you must offer those demographics that advertisers are jonesing for. So, let your house be a temporary refuge for your sister’s troubled teens. Take an age-range (roughly 18-30) appropriate lover. Or three. Turn your beautiful country home into a frat house.

“Hi-ho there, Nielsen people. I just wanted to let you know, I have ten eighteen to twenty-two year old single males living here now that have expendable income, zero willpower, like to spend on beer and Judd Apatow movies, and just can’t get enough Women’s Murder Club.”

It seems my most cringe-inducing nightmare is the network and advertisers’ wet dream.

Provide them the fantasy.

Decimate SVU (in a simple two-part plan)

Part 1: Go onto any message board where Law & Order: SVU watchers lurk and post that tomorrow’s “very special” episode had been postponed. Make up a reason. Be merciless.

Robin Williams? Yeah, it’s alleged that he ate a puppy while on set. They won’t air the episode until the investigation is complete.

Feel no guilt. Take no prisoners. This is war. There will be casualties. That’s right, I’m talking to you, Ice-T.

Part 2: Those of you who watch SVU must abandon it for WMC. I know this might be difficult for some of you. Why? When lately has SVU been the least bit bearable? Let me help. It’s been a while. And please keep in mind, you don’t have to watch SVU, because just like the original Law & Order, SVU is going to be available for you to watch in syndication for all of eternity.

Threaten them with Sharpton

The reverend loves a worthy cause and a good protest. He’s kind of busy in New York right now, but I say, when that dust has settled, we chip in, fly Al Sharpton first-class to LA, and set him up outside the ABC executive offices.

I know a lot of people like to poke fun at the good reverend, act like he’s nothing but a voice box, but everyone really knows that Sharpton is downright fearsome. He don’t play. When Al’s behind a cause, you best recognize.

For now, that’s all I got. Any ideas?