Apparently some chic fainted at a Hillary rally here in Ohio (yes, Ohio, that is in fact where I live… for now), and Random Riley patron Tara, aka ‘the part-timer’ just assumed that it was me. While I do, in fact, like Hillary (no, not in that way), and I do hold out hope that she will become our next president, I can’t imagine fainting over her.
So, to clear up any confusion, here is a list of instances in which I might faint, along with their counterpart scenarios in which I would undeniably faint. Please note the differences, and be prepared to call 911 should such a fainting emergency arise.
I might faint if…
Hollywood released a movie that was original.
I would definitely faint if…
Hollywood released a movie that was original and also good.
I might faint if…
I saw Constance Marie or Roselyn Sanchez dance in person.
I would definitely faint if…
I saw Constance Marie and Roselyn Sanchez dance in person together.
I might faint if…
I sold something that I’d written.
I would definitely faint if…
I sold a spec screenplay for a million dollars, and never had to worry about money again.
I might faint if…
Shakira offered me a personal striptease.
I would definitely faint if…
Shakira offered me a personal striptease, and, oops, fell into my lap.
I might faint if…
I got a major part in a really awesome film or play.
I would definitely faint if…
I got a major part only to find out all of my co-stars were Scientologists.
I might faint if…
I were kissed by one of the following: the Lauras (Elena Harring or Pausini), Andrea Corr, or Famke Janssen. Clearly I have a thing for full-bodied brunettes. And the one lithe-bodied wood sprite. If you have seen the Corrs in concert, you should understand the analogy.
I would definitely faint if…
I were kissed by Sandra Bernhard. I find the people on the list above more attractive than Sandra. However, those of you who have seen Sandra Bernhard live and in close proximity know that Sandra is such total walking sex that her venom lips would surely knock a mortal out cold.
So, there be a partial list of possible faintin’ events, lest ye be wonderin’ again.
March 4th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
ok, why does my a.k.a. have to be “the part-timer”? i mean, really? i make one little comment and all the sudden i’m somehow an uncommitted person.
i think it should be something like “the hotness” or just “hotness” works. “tara the temptress”? maybe not. and i’m glad to know that it wasn’t you that fainted. i was worried about you.
p.s. if i had a cool mil lying around, i would totally buy one of your screenplays.
March 4th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I never said you were uncommitted. You could be very committed…on a part-time basis. Or maybe, just maybe, you are actually a full-timer. What do I know?
So, which one do you want to be? “Hotness”, “Tara, the hotness” or “Tara, the temptress”? You have exactly twenty-four hours to decide. Otherwise, I come up with a new nickname for you on my own, and, I promise you, you will miss “part-timer”.
P.S. While I am not one for much prayer -
‘Sup Gods - Please, please, please, I implore you, bless my new friend, Tara, “nickname TBD”, with a million dollars in authentic, unmarked bills, which she can then use to pay me for a screenplay that would make an excellent film with absolutely no chance of getting a return on investment at the box office.
Amen