Oh Chumpy, my Chumpy, I cannot believe you are kind of, sort of, a grown man. Legally, you are an adult at least. That means, of course, that today there are things you can get away with that you couldn’t get away with yesterday. There are also things that you could get away with yesterday that you can no longer get away with today. That’s the Catch-22, Chumpy. But you must press on, because living without an absolute purpose and with no clear-cut destination is the human way. As your Sensei, and your most favoritest butt-buddy (if I’m not, don’t tell me), I have five pieces of advice that shall help you navigate the treacherous path from juvenile confusion to adult aggravation. God speed.
1. Ask for ID.
You see, you no longer have the luxury of taking someone’s word for it. If you are with someone, and the slightest possibility of nudity or naughty touching starts to shimmer before your horndog eyes, get at least two government-issued forms of ID, make photocopies, and tuck them away safely into a vault or safety deposit box. If you have done all of this, and you are still in the mood, proceed… with caution. Just because a person is eighteen doesn’t mean there is not an overprotective daddy hidden somewhere in the shadows.
2. Milk it while you can.
You’re going off to college, Chumpy. This is the period otherwise known as high school without supervision. When your parents ask if you need any money, the answer is always yes. You see, your parents are the cows. You are the greedy farmer. Take what you can while they are still producing milk, and when it starts to dry up, don’t forget to sell them while they can still command a decent price.
3. Don’t smoke or chew.
Sure, you’re eighteen now, and that’s means you can buy tobacco, which might be enticing because growing up in the hills of Tennessee and inhaling it into your lungs your entire childhood may not have seemed like experience enough. While I know this thought doesn’t actually tempt you, let me offer this reminder anyway. Smoking is gross. Chewing tobacco is even grosser. Sure, both have the ability to shorten your life span by a few years, but honestly, there is nothing else good about it. Just say no.
And speaking of just saying no…
4. Say ‘no’ to your parents.
It doesn’t matter what you say no to. Just pick something that your parents are going to expect you to automatically do or say yes to, and say no. Say no to be a prick adult. Say no just to see how it feels. Say no, Chumpy. And then, when your parents try to argue with you, say “Make me” and cackle with glee.
5. Keep all violence consensual.
Yep, that’s right. No more free rides. All violent outbreaks have the potential to be punished. And severely. So, now when you want a little slap and play, you’d better start up a fight club where all members sign legally-binding consent forms, or get it out of your system with blindfolds, whips and safety words.
Sure, there may be a time or two when you feel like smackin’ a bitch up on impulse, but you are going to get the biggest bitch slap of all when they put your ass in the slammer.
And that’s all, everything that you could possibly need to live a long and prosperous adulthood. It’s the advice that I was given and look at how well I turned out.
