Normally, I avoid stores as if they are leech-infested lagoons around the holiday season. After all, everyone, and everyone in everyone’s rolodex, hit the stores together in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or whatever holiday it is they are planning to celebrate. It really makes no difference. They all go shopping together at the same time regardless. Here is why I think this is.

Unless it is actually purchased in that Christmas shopping window after Thanksgiving, I don’t think the buyers consider it a Christmas present. I don’t care if it’s a $200 leather jacket that can’t be worn until winter anyway, if it’s purchased on sale for $75 in July, people can’t see it as a Christmas gift. So, they all wait and go out at the same time and punch each other in the face over a hot toy that, oh surprise surprise, is selling out right before Christmas.

I went shopping today. As previously mentioned, I would normally stay as far away as possible, but I wanted to buy some gifts and, until this point in the year, we have been so poor that the Salvation Army bell ringers patted us on the back and shook their heads sadly as we walked by.

Oh, who am I kidding? We’re gay people. The only reason the Salvation Army bell ringers would pat us on the back is to attach a sign that reads “Satan’s Offspring”.