Whenever I am in a job interview or at a temp job, you know the kind where you don’t have to interview, you just show up in nice pants and they give you a desk, there’s a dangerous phrase that they love to throw around. For me anyway.

“Do you have any questions?”

Now this sounds like an open invitation, and makes my mind automatically gravitate toward every question that I shouldn’t ask. Of course I have questions. The following is a short list of those that I’d most like to one day voice.

1. How much time can I spend not working at this job?

2. Are you cool with unlimited phone calls?

3. Do I have unrestricted internet access? Well could I get it?

4. Has anyone around here been fired for looking at porn?

5. What exactly do you consider “late”?

6. If I agree to dress like a whore can I get two dollars more an hour?

7. How soon does my disability kick in case I have a copy machine “accident”? (with air quotes)

8. Are there any sound proof rooms where office sex could go undetected?

9. I only have to have the one drug test, right?

10. Are you hiring because you killed the last person in this position?