Buffy has her stakes. I have my Ortho Home Defense Perimeter & Indoor Insect Killer.

Over the weekend, we were leaving the house and it was pointed out to me that there was a spider the size of my hand on the door of the garage. Now, there were two options here.

One - We could have left the spider alone, knowing it would crawl inside, spawn babies that would grow to the same size and would one night descend upon us, in a well-planned strategic attack, and devour us while we slept.

-or-

Two - I could walk up to it, with lethal intentions and what was left of the Ortho Home Defense Perimeter & Indoor Insect Killer, and hope the spider didn’t jump onto my face and lay its eggs in my nostrils.

Badass that I am, there was only one option really.

So, I went inside and I got the spray. I approached with stealth, Insect Killer in one hand, cell phone in the other. I was planning to take a picture to impress people with the feat later, but the closer I got, the more I realized just how gargantuan this particular arachnid was and how it would be kind of like David putting aside his slingshot in order to sketch Goliath before the big showdown. I realized it might be in my best interest to give the beast my undivided attention.

So with trembling hands but a steadfast soul, I took on my eight-legged foe. It took all that was left of the Ortho Home Defense Perimeter & Indoor Insect Killer, but, in the end, I emerged victorious, which is how I became known as Riley the Spider Slayer instead of Riley the Spider Incubator.