Well, the primetime Emmys are once again afoot, so it’s only natural that my thoughts are concentrated on all things award show:

Where I’ll be getting my manicure…

What designer I’ll go with…

Who I will take as my beard, er, date…

Then again, I may just spare myself the agony of dealing with the Hollywood escort service known as “publicist” and take my mom. (No! I just love my mom. Never mind that I could make a date with a hot, desperate young actress, knowing that if I happen to win the Emmy, it’s an automatic and undisputed invitation straight into her elegant, on-loan formal wear.)

And that segue, of course, leads to only one destination: Mariska Hargitay, world title holder in the full-scale beard lifestyle, bantamweight division. (This is only a symbolic title, based heavily on my opinion.)

“But she’s married and has a baby” sound the cries of the straight and oblivious fans of L&O: SVU. And yes! You are correct. She is married and has a baby, but before she was married with child she was as gay as a PSA co-starring Harvey Fierstein and Mary Cheney. (in my opinion)

It doesn’t matter if she recited some vows and got spermented™. She delivers lines from scripts everyday, and this time she didn’t even have to memorize them. And as for the penile injections, plenty of Hollywood starlets have taken it in worse orifices for a good part.

And P.S. people… her husband owns a purse boutique and the pick-up line that kick-started their relationship was (I am paraphrasing here) “Let’s go into my dressing room and read scripture together.” They also named their son August! People are convicted of manslaughter on less circumstantial evidence.

And for those willing believers, please know that I personally witnessed Mariska do a beard-switcheroo on a nighttime jaunt in Manhattan.

Here’s how it went down –

We went to see Mariska in The Exonerated, an excellent off-Broadway offering about people wrongly convicted of murder and damned to Death Row. It just so happened that we were there the same night that Mariska’s sexy lesbian lover (in my opinion), Kelly Miller, was there to catch the show. Excellent. See, we knew before that night who Kelly Miller was, to Mariska that is, so when we saw them walk in together, we were giddy with excitement. Was Mariska going to do it? Was she finally going to tell the world she liked pussy instead of acting like one???

No. We figured that out when they separated from each other the moment they breached the threshold into the theater. Mariska went one way. Lovergirl went the other. That was all there was to it until show’s end when Mariska looked up and found Kelly in the audience. We knew just where Mariska was looking, because we had already located Kelly ourselves. We always try to keep tabs on all lesbians in a room (and we always know who you are). What Mariska mouthed to Kelly looked suspiciously like “That was for you,” in my opinion. I know I say that to all of my friends.

After the show is when the real performance began though. Two men, so flaming they singed the door frame when they walked in, showed up at show’s end to escort Mariska and Kelly. Mariska took one gay boy’s hand. Kelly took the other homo hand. Then, they all left together, just the four of them. Or so they thought.

Two young women, one of whom may have been myself, decided to accompany them as well, for their safety, from about twenty yards behind. How close these two hetero couples must have been, because it seems like an unnecessary hazard to attempt to walk hand-in-hand with your boyfriends, while also putting your arm around your bestest girlfriend at the same time, but that’s how they did it at first. Then, a dozen or so twists and turns after leaving the Minetta Lane Theater, it happened. Mid-step, like a well-choreographed dance, the foursome just switched partners. It was such a smooth transition, in my opinion, I can only imagine how many times it must have been practiced by the quartet. When the dry ice fog cleared before us, as it appeared to me, Mariska and Kelly were walking holding hands, and the boys were holding hands as well. Isn’t it wonderful when two straight men have the courage to show their intimacy that way?

Yes, we were following them without their knowledge, and, yes, it was probably wrong, but, as I witnessed it with my very own eyes, therefore in my opinion, that’s how it happened. And my point has been made.

Now fast forward into the future, and let’s try to figure out the motive for why our little dykiekins is, in my opinion, playing house with Creepy Petey.

Prior to her big, public, hetero hook-up in 2004, Mariska dabbled in award nominations, but didn’t receive any attention when it came to the biggies. In my most apologetic of opinions, she was destined for TV Guide, fan-voted, fame. But then she meets Mr. Hermann; handsome, Christian, age-appropriate, and they make a pact… uh, connection. So, they get engaged, and, voila, 2004 is a banner year for our Mariska. She gets nods from both the Screen Actors Guild Awards and the Emmys. In January 2005, she takes home a Golden Globe for Lead Actress in a Drama Series, just five months after her storybook wedding, and later that year, she is named one of that classy literary publication, People magazine’s Fifty most beautiful people.

You know, I shouldn’t be making assumptions as to why Mariska received these accolades. I’m sure she was deserving. However, SVU came on the air in 1999, making Mariska eligible for three years worth of awards and beauty pageants where she didn’t make the cut. Then she gets married, sells the glossy black-and-whites of herself in her designer wedding gown, and, suddenly, she’s a staple on the major best actress nominee lists. Amazing!

HEADLINE - 2006: Mariska gives birth, wins Emmy.

And this year, there are, once again, six nominees in Mariska’s category, instead of the customary five, as if they wanted to honor those more deserving, but couldn’t leave her out and had to add an extra slot. (”But Mariska went het for this.”… “Oh yeah.”) This is, of course, all in my opinion.

I admit it, I was a fan once upon a time. I was a baby dyke and she was hot the first season, before she let a butch ex-girlfriend start cutting her hair for her. If SVU hadn’t become such a burden to watch, I might still enjoy her on occasion. In the beginning, it was hard to find anything to read about her. Now, I can’t seem to pass a newsstand without seeing her on the cover of a magazine. My how her star has risen.

In a week, I will be closely watching the Emmys to see if Mariska, once again, brings both her socially-accepted husband and her Kelly Miller. Only time will tell.

Of course, these Hollywood types could have a moment of sense, just order a very nice display case to hold all of the Emmys for Kyra Sedgwick and the writers of The Closer, and skip the whole silly on-air Broadcast.

Because if Mariska Hargitay beats out Kyra Sedgwick for best actress again, I am pretty sure the world is going to explode.