Warning! This game is highly addictive: Dope Wars. If you think drugs will get a hold on you, wait until you try selling them. I was first exposed to this game while working a shitty job back when I thought that $8 an hour was a decent wage. Ah, youth. Anyway, I googled it the other day and, lo and behold, there it was.  Dope Wars has changed since back in the day though. It has become more thrilling, more chilling, and considerably more amusing.

Here’s how it works:

You start out with $5000 that you borrowed from the loanshark. You also start out with two bitches. Your bitches serve several functions. They carry drugs, they carry guns, and, most importantly, they act as human shields. These are some dumb bitches! They’ll take a bullet for you. Building up your bitches is like building up an army.

First things first though, you’ve got to pay back the loanshark, and, of course, that loan earns interest fast, so the quicker you get the money back, the better. If you don’t get it back fast enough, you’re gonna get roughed up in a major way by the loanshark’s little baby sharks.

You earn money to pay back the loanshark, buy you some bitches, and acquire lots and lots of wealth by hopping from borough to borough, and all over Manhattan, buying drugs cheap and selling them for profit. Once you become educated in the average price range of the drugs, your money starts piling up in a way that makes you wonder if you should become a dealer for real. Earn enough money and you can start building your bitch army and equipping them with guns of multiple calibers. The bigger your bitch army and the better your guns, the better you’ll do in your face offs with the cops, and occasionally other players.

Dope Wars is completely and utterly tasteless, and a total fuckin’ blast. Don’t be such a prude and try a game, but, be advised, if you run into cheezwhiz in the Bronx, I won’t hesitate to blow your ass away.