As an ode to the Masters Chase, and now also, Cheddar, I revisit my self-appointed title of Sensei. But Sensei of what, I wonder. I have come to realize that the only experts in this world are people who have just dubbed themselves as such, and don’t really know a whole lot of anything. So, in that manner of thinking, I am designating myself expert in the following areas: 

I am an expert Fireknife Dancer. At least I crave to be, but the only way of learning the trade is to hop on a plane to Hawaii and spend some time in study with people who actually know how to Fireknife Dance without setting themselves on fire or lobbing off an ear. While I am by no means opposed to this, it’s not so much financially viable right now. But as far as anyone else on the mainland has to know, I am, in fact, an expert Fireknife Dancer. I have won contests and the hearts of hundreds of girls in hula skirts. 

I am an expert Ninja Assassin. Not only do I possess the skills to walk up and down skyscrapers, run high-wire like across very narrow beams at construction sites, jump ten stories to a balcony below without injury, and aim my ninja stars like a mofo, but I am extra-specially gifted at covert operations to take out, well, people really. Though it says so on my site, I am not really for hire. I take out people on my own terms, and with a smile on my face. 

I am a guitar guru. I can pluck ‘em Bonnie Raitt style, but even more impressive is the fact that I can craft guitar strings from spider webs or dental floss. I can make a guitar out of a piece of rock and a fast moving stream. You want a see-through guitar? Hand me a roll of plastic wrap. I am the freaking MacGyver of guitaring. Oh yeah, and I played with the Stones once at an outdoor festival in