It’s finally happened. When we moved into this apartment, I knew that the peep hole was going to be an issue. It is very tall and I am very not, and I can’t see out the damn thing at all. When I look at it, I feel like Gulliver in Brobdingnag. I mean, if I put my cheek flush against the door and squinted just right, I might be able to get a glimpse of sky. Other than that, it’s pretty freaking useless for me.

As a vertically-challenged person, I have come to expect inconveniences in this world. I expect to have my view of the stage obstructed when people stand at concerts.  I expect to be ignored and trampled on when walking through Rockefeller Plaza at Christmas time. Until some time in the middle of last year, I expected to be carded when I went to an R-rated movie. I’d gotten used to these things and had taken measures to overcome them, like avoiding floor seats and buying movie tickets at the automated machines. But never did I think that being short could lead to being Mormoned.

But that’s what happened today.

I was minding my own business, fantasizing about future lust, when the knock came. Thinking that it could only be maintenance or a delivery of some sort, I opened the door right up. I do that, even though I probably shouldn’t, because if it’s some idiot trying to hurt me I have two things working in my favor. One, I am stronger than they will assume that I am, and I know in a situation where I feel threatened I will also be considerably more crazy than they will be anticipating. Two, if I fail physically to keep said idiots at bay, I know my scream will not fail me. It is the kind of ear-splitting, brain-warping screech that sets dogs to howling and makes would-be attackers’ faces melt off.  When I opened the door, there they were, some freaking Mormi on my doorstep.

As a person who tries to be more polite to others than people usually are to me, I let the two men, sharply dressed in their sexy short sleeve white button-ups, go through their little spiel. It was actually kind of entertaining. Then, they asked to come in and I had to politely decline. As already established, I had lust on my mind, and I really didn’t want to explain later how I ended up in a bisexual threesome with two chess-club looking Mormi.