I have crafted a book that is worthy of purchase, honestly, and yet here I sit with two thousand of them playing bed frame to a mattress in my apartment. In an effort to try to force the books from their, obviously too comfy, home, I’ve made a game of it, because, while no one actually seems to read anymore, everyone loves a good lottery. I didn’t even make this up. If you don’t believe me, check it out here.

And now, the top five reasons that you should play the game and help me dismantle my bed.

1. Other means I have come up with to rid myself of the books are considerably more dangerous. I’ve contemplated an axe, to hack them into tiny little bits, with which I can then pack boxes or dip them into food coloring to make Easter grass, but I’m afraid that once I get the axe in my hands, I’ll start thinking too much. Like I’ll think about how much the postal service irks me, or how many times PayPal has done a charge back without investigation, or about the ex-friend whose face I pushed into the snow back in college. Then, what if I get giddy and leave the house? It could all go by way of Lizzie Borden much too quickly. I also thought about fire, collecting a check, and thanking the insurance company, but it’s always made me fearful. I can’t even light a match, and using one of those long-stemmed lighter things seems kind of flaky. If I’m going to get into arson, I’m going to have to get my fingers burned. But I’m not quite ready for that yet.

2. You get something in return. No, not literary excellence. Girl-girl action. Okay, I’m just going to write it here, right out in the open. Cinderella and Rapunzel are, in fact, a couple. I was trying to keep it on the down low to trick Bible-thumpers into buying it for their impressionable young daughters, but that hasn’t happened, so I may as well drop the charade. Cinderella and Rapunzel, they really like each other. Sometimes they even like each other with tongues. Haven’t you always fantasized about two fairy tale chics getting it on? Well I have. Often. And with frantic hand movements.

3. Profit-sharing. Not for everyone. Only for the winners. Just like in life, losers get nothing but the crappiest job and the smallest piece of steak. However, unlike in life, I won’t determine your loser status based upon your height, weight, sex, race, or your balding head. Everyone has an equal opportunity to be a winner ‘round these parts. All you have to have is better timing than approximately 1920 other people. See how you can become a winner here.

4. Two words. Norco. Togo. This makes zero sense to many of you now, but if you read the book, it will. And then you will rejoice and be glad.

5. If you do nothing, the world will end. I’ve been in deep deliberations with Jerry Falwell, Al Gore, M. Night Shyamalan, and Captain Kirk. Apparently, my recent string of failures has started an apocalyptic chain of events that culminates in Jesus Christ himself riding back to Earth in a spaceship, beaming up all the Scotties, and then waylaying the planet with one hell of an ice age. And just when you think it’s all over, there will be a twist ending you won’t believe.

This post is earmarked for the ProBlogger Group Writing Project, so don’t anyone else be trying to steal it for their own writing projects, or for an overdue English essay. It probably won’t get you a passing grade anyway, and a finicky, religious teacher might object to including a shout-out to Jesus and a vague reference to masturbation in the same paper.